017: Resources available today for servicemembers' girlfriends, fiancés and young spouses with Lizann Lightfoot

Jen Amos 0:00

There's no need to wait on your service member to share a second hand information anymore. Welcome to holding down the fort, a podcast show where we put military spouses and children's needs front and center so that they can make informed decisions together as a family. Because let's face it, we know who's really holding down the fort. Let's get started.

All right. Hi, everyone. Jen amo is here with the holding down the fort podcast show. And I'm excited because once again, I get to interview another amazing individual in our military community. Lizanne Lightfoot is a military spouse of 17 years, a writer, a mother of five. And she's also known as the season spouse Lizanne. Welcome to the show.

Unknown Speaker 1:00

Thank you so much for having me, Jen.

Jen Amos 1:02

Yeah, it's my absolute pleasure. Why don't we start with why did you choose to be on our show and share your story and maybe some tips and tricks for military spouses today?

Speaker 1 1:12

Well, first of all, I think you have a great podcast. And it really resonates well with my mission, which is supporting military families and helping them find the resources that are available to them. So when I heard about you, I thought it just was a really good fit for both of our audiences.

Jen Amos 1:29

Yeah, absolutely. It's always nice when we can like have synergy in that way. There's never too many resources to to help a particular community. I mean, I guess there could be like paralysis of analysis. But but at least we can't say that we haven't provided enough resources to people.

Speaker 1 1:44

Absolutely. I feel like the more that you share, it's it can just help one person solve one problem, then that makes all the difference.

Jen Amos 1:53

So I had a chance to learn more about your blog, the season spouse, and I know that you like to focus on military spouses, from all walks of life from girlfriends to fiance's to becoming a seasoned spouse, such as yourself. And I'm just curious to know, why did you choose to serve the military spouse community specifically?

Speaker 1 2:14

Well, I created my Susan stealth blog a couple years ago, and it was when my husband was preparing for his sixth deployment. And at the time, up until then, I had never really thought of myself as anything unique. I was a military spouse going through this life, just like many others. And it wasn't until at that point when he was getting ready for the sixth one, that new girlfriends and younger spouses were coming to me saying, hey, you've been through this before. What can you tell me about this? Or what should I expect about that. And I realized that our years of experience, for better or for worse have given us some insight and some ability to handle this life. So I started originally just sharing resources for his unit to help them get through that initial deployment. And I got such positive feedback. And people said, it made such a difference, that I started writing it out as blog posts, and then grew the season spouse website from there.

Jen Amos 3:10

It's really awesome. And I see that you have a following on Instagram as well. So I think that's really awesome. What you have created for yourself and for the military spouse community.

Speaker 1 3:21

Yeah, I just really want it to be a place where everyone feels welcomed. Like you said, I definitely focused on girlfriends and fiance's and those who are not officially military spouses yet, because I went through that I was the girlfriend, actually, for five, nope, almost seven years before we were married. And it was a difficult time. And when you feel disconnected, and like none of the resources apply to you, you don't really know where your place is in the military community. So I've always been very encouraging and supportive of those members, as well as a spouse at any point in life. Because I think even when you've been married for 10 years and gone through multiple deployments, it's still hard.

Jen Amos 4:00

Definitely, we actually had interviewed, I believe her name is Madison, I might have to go back and check. But she is a military spouse fiancee. And when she was sharing her story on our show, she shared exactly what you're talking about, like she feels like there's really not a lot of resources for military spouses who are not officially you know, like legally married to a service member yet. And so she had to figure out her own way to, to get by and to deal with the deployments and everything with her service member. And so I'm just curious, like, at that time when you were when you were still dating, how did you figure it out for yourself? Like, what what did you find or what did you need to do to kind of feel connected with the military community?

Speaker 1 4:45

Well, I'm not sure that I did successfully connect on the community. I was in college. I was in college for the first four years that we were dating or the first four years that he was in the military. And first up When and I was actually overseas during my study abroad semester in France. So he went to Iraq and I went to Paris. And we spent most of the year like that, which was just very bizarre and unusual. But at the time, I didn't know any other families in his unit, I hadn't met any spouses, I had zero connection. And I think it was a huge disadvantage to both of us, he didn't know what resources were out there for family members, because he hadn't gotten married and looked into it. And I didn't know what to ask for, because I wasn't sure that a girlfriend was really supposed to be included in any of the resources. So both of us kind of were in this void of, you know, lack of support. And we stumbled along as well as we could, and I had a lot of trial and error experiences. But I think it's because of that, that I'm so passionate about helping to connect families with resources, because there are so many out there. And I feel like now, even when you get married and you become official, it's not like you automatically have access to everything and know, all the organizations that are out there able to support you, I had to be very proactive and look for them and find the solutions. And I want to just make that a little bit easier for other people.

Jen Amos 6:12

Yeah, and I think that's really awesome. I feel like that's the commonality with a lot of the people that I talk to on the show is that you really have to be proactive, you have to seek it out. Because although it's available, it's not like someone's going to know your unique needs and your situation and say here, here's what you need for your unique needs and situation. It's like no, you have to go out and seek it. And I like how you said that you stumbled along to the best of your ability, because it seems like that's really, that's really what military spouses and military families have to go through. I'm pretty sure there's a more positive way to say it, though. Like, like, adapt or be resourceful to just, you know, make, make it like a scavenger hunt and figure out, like, try to find the best resources for yourself, that fits your family and your current needs in the military.

Speaker 1 7:02

Right. And I think I've gotten better about that scavenger hunt, as the years have gone by, we've lived at different bases, we've lived at some joint bases with the Navy, my husband's Marine Corps, but you get to see kind of how other branches do things and you talk to other spouses and realize what resources they're using. And it comes down to the fact that funding is always changing. The resources that are available in your local area will change from one deployment for the next or if you PCs from one duty station to the next. And so you have to constantly be reinventing your support system, what worked five years ago, might no longer be available. And in addition to that my kids have aged and changed and so that the things that we needed a few years ago, might be irrelevant to our family right now. But now we need something different.

Jen Amos 7:50

That leads into my next question in which I feel like I have to kind of re like ask it in a different way. But is there one particular maybe strategy or scenario or story or resource like one thing that you feel like you have shared on your blog, or through your social media as a season spouse that you feel like has impacted other military spouses in a in a positive way?

Speaker 1 8:15

still there are hundreds and: 1000

Jen Amos: 10:10

That is incredible. And I think the most challenging thing about living the military life is feeling like you're alone a lot of the times and that you are going through your heart issues alone, and to share something like that, that is so personal. I think it really gives people hope, and comfort, knowing that they're not alone, and, and that they're all part of this greater community of other military spouses having to hold down the floor by themselves. And so that's incredible. And I'm sure that impacted so many military spouses and families that you share that story with.

: 10:47

I hope so. And I think that what you said about not being alone is such a huge part of why I do what I do my deployment support group that's on Facebook, I hear that again and again, that people ask these personal questions, or they ask these things that they're going through during deployment. And sometimes they don't really need advice, and they don't really need a resource that's going to answer the problem for them. What they need is just to hear that I'm not the only one going through this, I'm not crazy, and I'm not alone. And here's this huge network of other spouses that have gone through something similar and have come out on the other side, and can stand there on the other side and tell you, it's going to be okay, you're going to make it through.

Jen Amos: 11:27

That's beautiful. And yeah, I think what you're doing is incredible for yourself, I'm sure for for self care. And for other military spouses as well. I want to go ahead and talk a little bit about what you're currently doing on Instagram, you have a hashtag This is deployment campaign for national day of the deployed. And for people that are hearing that for the first time, what is that campaign about?

: 11:51

So the National Day of the diploid is it is actually a national holiday. It's not a very well known one. But it has been celebrated on October 26. For many years, for the past few years, I've been trying to find a way to honor the day of the deployed from the military families perspective. Obviously, it's designed to celebrate those who are currently deployed, and to thank them for their their sacrifices and their service. But I kind of wanted to bring attention to the fact that for every person who's deployed, there's a family, there's brothers and sisters and parents and spouses and children who are behind supporting them. And we started doing the hashtag versus deployment campaign a few years ago, to ask people to show their own photos of kind of the unseen portions of deployment, not all about the homecoming videos, and the the hugs goodbye. But there's a whole space of life that's lived in between, and we wanted to kind of see those everyday images that the public does not usually have access to. So we've just just been trying to have people share their more heartfelt and sincere and emotional pictures of deployment. Some of them are very positive, it's spouses accomplishing things on their own, and lifting heavy furniture and taking care of kids on their own and going through a birth by themselves. So there's very inspiring pictures. But then there's also these very heartbreaking pictures of, you know, kids missing their deployed parent and people celebrating holidays and anniversaries, via a video phone call. Just the whole range of emotions that military families go through. So we've been sharing those. I've encouraged people to use that hashtag on any social media platform. And then I'm kind of compiling them onto my Instagram account. And it's just been really exciting and inspiring to see that. Those everyday moments that people go through during deployment. Like we've said earlier, you're not the only one going through that. You're not the only mom that's going crazy trying to raise kids on her own. You're not the only girlfriend that's trying to plan a wedding on her own. There are just so many other people out there going through similar experiences.

Jen Amos: 14:01

Hey, everyone, Jen emos here just taking a quick break from the interview to talk to you about our main sponsor for holding down the fort. Just this last September of 2019 us bet wealth, and my husband Scott, our Tucker has been featured on military families.com. I just want to read the first part of it to give you an idea of what we're about and what we represent. So this article is actually written about the founder, which is my husband, the founder of us bet wealth has an approach to veteran employment that looks like jeans and flip flops, among a crowd of suits. Scott had found that is what allows veterans to embark on a successful path to civilian retirement. Retired Army Major Scott Tucker, also West Point grad, spent upwards of seven years after his military career, learning the finance industry, listening to veterans woes, and being told there's only One mold, one path for the veteran workforce. Through that he learned the one thing everyone was missing. There's another way, Scott gets quoted, if you have a mission to serve, whether that's individually or meaning a transitioning service member or spouse wants to go and create their own mission. That is what US bet wealth is about is by helping our military families and service members live a life of intention. Through us vet wealth, Scott and his team, myself included mentor veterans, and military spouses who don't want to be a defense consultant, or play by a corporation's roles. US bet wealth is for people that want total control of what they do, and how they go on about it. If that sounds like you, check out us bet wealth.com To learn more about us. Alright, let's get back into the interview. Yeah, absolutely. And it got me thinking that to the civilian I, a service member is maybe another number, just another soldier in the military. But behind every soldier behind every service member is a community is a family. And so I love that you have this this is deployment hashtag campaign to really show that they're, like you said, there's life that happens in between the homecomings and the sad goodbyes when they're about to get deployed. Right. There's one more thing I wanted to point out. I really like I really liked the post, where were you list like where like your your license is here, but your insurance is here. And ultimately, when people ask you, where are you from? I love that. Because for myself, I was a military child with immigrant parents from the Philippines that was born in Japan, okay. So I get that a lot. If I say, Oh, I'm born in Japan, they're like, Are you Japanese? I'm like, No, I'm I mean, I'm a Filipino descent. But I was born on American soil. So I'm American. But then we moved, we moved. So often it's like, where, where? Where was I really from? Right? And so I just I love that post, I could really relate to it in that sense, because even in my own upbringing as a military child, it was a lot of that. And I mean, even till this day, it's still a lot of like, where you're from, it's like, well, how much time do you have for me to explain to you where I'm from?

: 17:23

Yeah, yeah, I think a lot of military families. You know, even if you haven't had the dramatic overseas duty stations, it's still very interesting how the places that we've lived, and the culture of those different places, influences our family. Even within America. I mean, there are very different cultures in different regions. And when you move from one state to another, it can kind of feel like moving to a whole different country and having to adjust to a whole different lifestyle, and military families go through that every few years. So I'm, I'm kind of glad that you found that relatable, but it's, it's also at the same time a little bit frustrating that that's the lifestyle that our kids are growing up with, and that you're always kind of going to have that shadow hanging over you as well. I don't really know if I belong anywhere, or a mixture of everything.

Jen Amos: 18:10

I think there's a more classy way to respond to where are you from? I just haven't thought of it yet. I feel like I have to be I have to be clever and sassy about it in my response.

: 18:22

Yeah, it depends. Usually we just say where we move from most recently, or how long we've been in the current area. But then depending, like you said, depending how much time they have in the conversation. I'm like, Well, do you want the list of the last places?

Jen Amos: 18:36

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah, no, I love it. Yeah, I thought that was a really good post and very relatable. Well, now I want to get into really my one of my favorite parts of doing these interviews with holding down the fort. And it's just a topic that could benefit military spouses and families. And so today, we wanted to talk about military resources and discounts specifically for deployment. So for our listeners, if you are, if your service member is currently deployed, or you yourself are deployed, and you're looking for those military resources and discounts, we'll have let's have Lizanne here, give us some tips on that.

: 19:15

Absolutely, I'm happy to do that. I do have tons more listed on my site, I tried to pick out the top few that I could just gloss over with you here. But I do encourage people to go to my blog and look through some of my more thorough deployment post if you have questions about any of the various resources and discounts that I mentioned. But I think for me, the most important thing for deployment resources has been to solve a problem. And so you don't always realize what's going to stress you out the most about deployment or what's going to be the most challenging, but the more that you can think of it as a problem solving strategy that can help you in your Google search or in your questions to other spouses when you're asking you know, how am I going to handle this particular her It'll and challenge. So I think the ones that I get most often in my deployment support group, people ask a lot about kids, because many of our young military families do have children and are raising them through deployment. And for me, one of the biggest challenges is childcare. That has changed over the course of even just the past few years, there was a program that we use during his earlier deployments, which is no longer funded. And I think the army does still offer respite care about once a month or a certain amount of hours per month, that families can at least take, you know, one morning to get a break. But I don't believe that's funded by the other branches. And so army spouses will say, Oh, of course, just sign up for respite care. But that might not exist for a lot of your listeners at their current base. So I do encourage you to start with your base, ask at the CDC, ask about specific deployment programs. But if you aren't finding childcare, one of my favorites is the YMCA. It's available almost all over the country. And people don't always know that they offer a military discount, which not only gives you a cheaper rate per month, but you do not have any signup fees, or any fees to quit. So I sometimes just joined the YMCA during the summer for a deployment. And while you are a member, you get two hours of free childcare every day that you are there. And you can even use it. Yeah, see, it's amazing is that like saves me during a deployment summer. So you don't have to go and work out during those two hours, you can sit in the break room and use the Wi Fi. That's how I've been able to

Jen Amos: 21:39

work. Yeah, I love it, it's.

: 21:43

But you can work out too, which I encourage people to do. So that has really then helpful just when you need to get out of the house and you need a break from the kids. Having the YMCA as an option has been healthy kind of for all of us, it gives the kids a break, it gives me a break. And it lets you work out or use the swimming pool, which is wonderful. And another resource that's very useful specific to National Guard families, I hear a lot of questions from National Guard, because they aren't usually stationed near a base and they don't have access to all those resources. So a specific program to them is called our military kids. And that organization gives you vouchers like coupon money that you can use for different activities for your children. So sports and dance and gymnastics. And that can be a really great way to get your child invested and interested in something during the deployment that you might not be able to afford on your own or can't always find the time for the our military kids vouchers can really give them something to work on and to practice and to accomplish so that when they're deployed parent comes home, they have a skill that they can show off and talk about. And on the on a more negative side, I also get a lot of questions about children acting out and what to do about behavioral issues and all the negative emotions that kids bring into a deployment. And a good program for that is called Focus. It's an acronym, of course, FOC U S stands for families overcoming under stress. And this is a free class that's offered on a lot of military bases, to help military families talk about stress as a family, and to move through it in more productive ways. And so I use it with my younger kids going through deployment at a younger elementary age. And the counselor met sometimes just with me, and sometimes just with certain children. And they did kind of drawling therapy and discussions with them. And really kind of got to the root of what was stressing people out in the household. And what are some more productive ways that we can manage our stress instead of yelling and slamming doors or hurting each other and things like that. So that was very helpful to our family and to my young kids who were starting to understand deployment on a on a more emotional level.

Jen Amos: 24:12

I don't think ever heard of that resource before. So that's really good to know, to bring up the tough resources for tough situations.

: 24:18

Yeah, because we need them. And for adults in general, one resource I always mentioned is Military OneSource. I'm sure that's come up in your show before but they do offer free counseling to military spouses into family members. And it is invaluable. You can have up to 12 sessions during a deployment. And then you can also have 12 sessions later in the year related to a different subject, you know, like marriage or there's a death in the family or something. So it's not just 12 sessions a year but it can be even more than that. And they do them on the phone or by video chat. So you don't even have to take time off work or leave your house or find childcare. You can literally they just sign up for a counselor online and have them call you and talk through some of the challenges of deployment. And I have found that useful for myself personally. And I've definitely recommended it to many, many people in our deployment support group.

Jen Amos: 25:13

That's very awesome. And a really cool modern solution and resource.

: 25:19

Yeah, I think so many people don't realize that you can see a counselor by video chat. And to me, that was a big impediment. I thought, Here I am home by myself with multiple children, how am I ever going to sign up for a counseling session? And once I learned that they had the virtual sessions available, that was just a game changer.

Jen Amos: 25:37

So yeah, I feel like that's becoming really like more normal nowadays, where there's even phone apps, where you can sign up for a therapist, and they could just text message you, you know, when you need them. And you know, there's free resources out there, like the crisis, text line, I believe, where if you're in a crisis, or you're stressed, you can just text. And of course, we know the suicide hotline, that's a very popular one for anyone that just wants to call in and talk to someone. But yeah, I just love how technology is making it so much easier for us to take care of our mental health, especially for military families, because it is hard. And like we keep mentioning like it is very easy to feel alone in the hard circumstances that you have to go through.

: 26:24

Yeah, and the more that you have connections, even just reaching out and talking to one person, it can make such a difference. I think the app that you mentioned, I want to say headspace is an app that it's actually free for military families. And I'd have to look up how to get that free access. But the app headspace, I know is designed to help you deal with anxiety and the stresses of military life. And I know that there's a program making it available to all of us.

Jen Amos: 26:54

Oh, that's so awesome. I'm gonna have to look into that.

Unknown Speaker: 26:58

Yeah, that went up. Yeah, and

Jen Amos: 27:01

I know Lizanne that for people that want to get more of these resources, you have a way for people to subscribe to your mailing list. Is that correct? Yes,

: 27:10

I do on my website, you can sign up for my email on any of my social media, you can connect with me. And there are downloads on my blog, there is a a book that I sell on my blog, which is called my ultimate deployment guide. And it has a lot of these resources, plus tons of checklists and ideas to get you through deployment and how to prepare for deployment. So all of that is in my ultimate Deployment Guide, which you can either download or purchase from my website.

Jen Amos: 27:42

Very cool. Well, Lizanne I feel like we had a wonderful conversation today just talking about the day in the life of being a seasoned spouse, someone who's been in the military life for 17 years and a new mother of five congratulations. Yeah, yeah, I, you know, when I was gonna introduce you at the beginning, I was gonna say mother of four, but you just told me you had a newborn? So I have to have to highlight that. Yeah. Before we go. Do you have any closing thoughts for let's say, the new military spouse, maybe the girlfriend or fiance, do you have any closing thoughts or advice for them,

: 28:18

I definitely encourage them to reach out and find a way to get connected to the military community, you do not have to live near the base anymore to make friends in the military community. There's Facebook groups, which I'd like to recommend my own, which is called handle deployment like a boss. We have 3000 members that are on valses girlfriends fiance's everyone is going through deployment right now. And so it is a very active, very supportive and encouraging group that people can just ask anything, and someone there is going to have an answer or resource or at least a sympathy, Hey, I've been there before kind of response for you. So find the community that's going to work for you. You can look on Twitter, you can look on Facebook, whatever look on Instagram, whichever one is your preferred platform, but find other spouses and girlfriends and significant others, they are out there. And we are all looking for the same encouragement, the same support. We all need the same things to get through the day.

Jen Amos: 29:19

I love that you stress the importance of community and connection. I think, no matter how prideful anyone is, that's what we're all looking for at the end of the day is to know that we're not alone and we're connected. And yes, it's okay to ask for help and let people know that we're struggling. And once you say that, there really is a whole community out there to embrace you. So and I appreciate you and applaud you for facilitating that with what you do as a seasoned spouse.

: 29:45

Thank you. It's really been kind of a labor of love for the last year or so. But it has been so rewarding to see that. I don't think I'm doing anything very significant just allowing people to have a space on Facebook to post and ask questions. interact with each other. But the feedback that I get people saying that that group helped them through deployment and made all the difference. And once they joined the group, deployment became so much more manageable and easier for them to get through. Knowing that I can make a difference in people's lives is just incredibly inspiring. So I will continue to share those resources and give them that space to talk and interact with each other and help people recognize that whatever you are facing during a deployment, you're probably not the first one to be facing it. And there's someone else out there who can help you through or show you how they handled a very similar situation.

Jen Amos: 30:39

Love it? Well, as Ann Lightfoot, it's been an absolute pleasure having you on our show today. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story and your life and all the awesome resources and discounts for military families, especially in deployment.

: 30:54

Thank you, Jen. It's been an honor to be with you.

Jen Amos: 30:57

Yeah. And for our listeners, if you didn't catch those resources, don't worry, the links to get a hold of Lizanne. And what she does with the season spouse will be included in the notes. With that said I want to thank you all for listening and hopefully you got more resources and tools to know how to hold down the fort. And we look forward to speaking with you in the next episode. Tune in next time.