104: "Acknowledge the loss that may have propelled you to seek out something new to begin with." Vets2Industry MilSpouse Mixer Keynote Speech by Jen Amos

Jen Amos 0:08

Welcome to the award winning show holding down the fort brought to you by us Bedwell, a podcast

Speaker 1 0:13

show that focuses on sustaining a fulfilling a purposeful military life through conversation and community building. Hi, I'm

Jen Amos 0:21

Jen, a most a goldstar daughter, veteran spouse and creator of holding down the fort.

Speaker 1 0:25

And I'm Jenny Lynn Stroup a seasoned military spouse, mom of two boys and your co host.

Jen Amos 0:30

Together, we'll converse with special guests from the military community and for the community to share knowledge, resources and relevant stories on how we can best hold down the fort for ourselves and our loved ones. Now let's get started.

: 2021

Speaker 2 7:10

Within this event demographics include military spouses from around the world marriage currently serving members of our armed forces, and those married to our nation's veterans who have taken off the uniform, but still maintain that sense of duty and service to their fellow human, much like their spouses have done and continue to do in service roles with nonprofits, transitioning programs and loads of charities. We also have with us today currently serving active duty Guard and Reserve service members transitioned and transitioning servicemembers, military and civilian retirees, dependent work age children, Gold Star family members and civilians with no military affiliation. We have all types of race and ethnicity, race, religion, sexual preferences, gender identities, and political ideologies. And we all share one unequivocal truth, we all desire to live life, care for our families, and be productive members of society, or else we wouldn't be here on this virtual event today. Before I turn the mic over to our amazing director of military spouses and families, Leslie coffee, I like to explain a little bit about what best industry is and why you need to leave here talking about it. Two years ago, best industry was founded to the realization that an enormous knowledge gap existed within the ranks of the service members and their families regarding all the free resources available, I had that realization. I was at knowledge gap to hundreds of Airmen that I had led for over 17 years and had never told them about all the free veteran service organizations available to them and their families due to my own ignorance on the their existence that thought how many of them have become part of the 22 that have killed themselves a day or underemployed or unemployed or in substance abuse or divorce or homeless or incarcerated because I had not set them up for success and provided them help leaving the service. So after learned there was over 45,000 veteran service organizations in my final year service as a senior noncommissioned officer, a right that is expected to know everything I built a free nationwide resource library for veterans, military spouses, dependent children, and Gold Star family members, and my team of over 120 service members, veterans and military spouses and dependent children provide that information with more free resources as we can curate them and vet them onto the website. And as we discover them to guide and mentor our brothers and sisters to life needs to opportunities every day. But you all didn't come here to hear from me or to see me so please let me introduce Leslie coffee, our Director of military spouses and families and key leader with investing Industry serial volunteer, as she also dedicates her work hours to making sure service members and military spouses have only the best mentors assisting them and their individual needs with her new role within American corporate partners. All right, so, Leslie, the floor is yours.

: 10:22

Thank you so much, Brian. So excited about today. Thank you for everyone joining in. I want to pass it over to Jen. So let's really start talking about Jen and her phenomenal background. So Jen is a gold star daughter. She's a veteran spouse to advocate military families. In November 2020. She was awarded media professional of the year at the Rosie network entrepreneur awards for her broadcast show holding down the fort my own personal favorite podcast. It focuses on helping military spouses and families to stay in a purposeful and fulfilling military life through conversation and community building. In 2018, her and her husband's company us that wealth, which was formerly MetLife received the Best entrepreneurial startup company awarded by the San Diego Business Journal. Today, their company focuses on making military benefits and financial education more relatable, and simplified for seasoned military spouses, ie ancient like myself, so that they can make confident informed decisions on long term financial planning. Jen's work has been featured in multiple media outlets, including legacy magazine, a US veterans magazine, American military spouse, veteran crowd network, a military life, birth force, military, veteran death podcasts, and so much more. During her time, she volunteers is a better already mentor. We're going to be sharing all of our better already links to date, and to really speak to her about entrepreneurship, podcasting support for the military member. So without further ado, Jen, thanks so much, and welcome to the bti family.

Jen Amos: 11:59

Yes, thank you, Leslie, for having me. And let me know if I need to repeat myself. I'm using my internet here for the first time. But Wow, it's so weird to kind of see your bio in front of everyone. But thank you all so much for having me here. I actually don't believe that my invitation to speak today happened by accident. As in theme of this event, I too, am going through a new beginning. So a little background on me. I've been living in virginia beach for two and a half years. To my West Coast friends that never been out here. I often like to describe Virginia Beach like San Diego, just with the Four Seasons, it's more affordable and a lot friendlier. I'm still getting used to it. But what I've come to love is a southern hospitality out here in the East Coast, kind of like the southern hospitality wave where someone gives you eye contact, you just you know, you just kind of wave out from a total stranger. And it's a casual wave acknowledgement from a total stranger that you don't get anywhere else. So I admit that it was a huge culture shock for a California girl like me to live out here in Virginia Beach. In San Diego. I'm used to the consistent mid 70s weather access to year round outdoor activities. And unlike that southern hospitality here in Virginia Beach, pretending to look at my phone to prevent eye contact with a stranger. And don't look at me like I'm the only one that's ever done that. Now of course I have adjusted out here. In fact, I look forward to waving at anyone I get eye contact with now. I enjoy working from home because we have more space out here than we did in our tiny downtown San Diego condo. And I absolutely love paddleboarding when the weather is just right. My home in Virginia Beach has also become so special because it's the longest my husband and I who's here. So Hi, honey, I know you're watching. This is the longest we live in one home since we've been together. Our first home was for a year. second home was seven months. So to live here for two and a half years with the pandemic intensifying our home experience. And I emphasize intensify if I'm sure all of you who are married understand this felt like eternity. So either way, I started to feel like this could be our long term home, our neighborhood and our future. Then six weeks ago, at the end of June 2021. We had received our 30 day notice to move out our landlord caught when that is a seller's market right now. And he had been following the market since he bought his home 20 years ago, this was his final chance to sell and Hey, good for him. But as renters, it was not so good for us. So I actually speak to you today, not in Virginia Beach, not in my normal recording setup. But instead I'm in the middle of traveling and exploring what and where our next home will be. So this is not a PCs, but I know this is something that you can relate to that moment when you're living somewhere and you feel like you're finally picking up your stride only for your service member to get the news that it's time to move again. And once again, you have no choice but to start over. I've never been an active duty military spouse. I actually met my husband after he's But I know what you're going through having been a military child for the first decade of my life, I remember what it was like getting reestablished, starting to really make friends starting to have a sense of home, only to move again and again and again. So never knowing what came next in my military life. It all came to a screeching halt in October 17 1998. My dad served in the US Navy for 18 years. He was supposed to finish his career and you coast good Japan. And Fun fact, Yokosuka Naval Base was actually my birthplace, so shout out to all the cosca babies. So my military life started there. And little did I know how it was going to end there. My dad slash ship was the USS Kitty Hawk. They were traveling from Japan to South Korea, when he had gone missing. They sent the search crew out for three days in the Pacific Ocean. And they continued the investigation for three months to no success. The news spread around the military base and being 10 years old at that time, all that mattered to me was not necessarily the missing case of my father. But the attention that I was getting the friends that started to show up for me, the community that made me feel at home. Then, of course, without dad there to sponsor us, we had to move one final time as a military, family, and catapult into the civilian world as a Gold Star family. Fast forward to 20 years later, so you can do the math of my age. It's funny how my adult life still parallels my childhood, I have moved many times. In fact, this very moment isn't any different. Because in the last two weeks, I have already been in three different time zones. I have changed my career many times. And I'm currently on my third business venture that I'm willing to tell you about. And of course, my definition of home is ever evolving. If you feel sad for me, don't. My life has been an amazing adventure. And you know why? It's because of you, the military spouse, I may have lost my dad. But my mom, my military spouse, Mom, kept our family going. She was holding down the fort. Yes, shameless plug for the podcast, she was holding down the forks. Well, Dad was on active duty and into our post military life. She managed to provide keep a roof over our head and see to it that we all graduated with our bachelor's degree. My mom carried out my dad's dream for all of us to graduate college. She did all of this as a widow, a single parent, and an immigrant speaking English as a second language. She was masterful with new beginnings. And I know that you are too. Now while today's mixture will get into specific and invaluable connections to resources, employment, and networking opportunities to achieve your career goals. My hope today is to impart to you some wisdom, inspired by my mom, and my life so far as a goldstar daughter, so that you might have the right mindset to welcome a new beginning. So first and foremost, it's important to acknowledge the loss that may have propelled us to seek out something new to begin with, I believe that loss helps you set a new standard moving forward. When I think about the loss of my dad, I really think about losing the kind of relationship that valued emotional connection and undivided attention. We had a strong father daughter bond, and even if he was deployed months at a time, I never felt his absence, I only felt his presence. And thanks to him, I intentionally strive for relationships that value empathy and attentiveness. Is there an item and opportunity or a relationship you've recently lost? If so, ask yourself this. What did I really lose, though? Really think about that. And let that be the new standard you strive for, and your next opportunity or relationship. My second piece of advice is to be kind to yourself. New Beginnings always come with mixed feelings, and impulsive decisions, and everything. I want you to know that your feelings and choices during these uncertain times are valid. You have to feel things out and test things out and make a ton of mistakes, to know for certain what you want to be have in do in this next season of your life. Like I said, I'm on my third business venture that I'm willing to tell you about. But it took the building blocks of incomplete projects and other failed ventures for me to proudly tell you about at least three of them. Whether it's volunteer work, an internship, or potential connections you make today that might not fall through later, they could still be the building blocks to more sustainable opportunities. So be kind to yourself. Give yourself grace to rediscover yourself. Also,

please ask for help. Mental health is extremely extremely important for someone who had a father who may have potentially taken his life as we start to uncover more and more of a story because even today, we still don't know exactly what happened. To him, I have come to see the value in mental health. I've personally cycled through five therapists since living out here, the East Coast and three of them were during the pandemic. And thank goodness, there's nothing good to prove when you act strong and independent. Just get help. It's as simple as that. And if not for you do it for your loved ones, feel free to reach out to me directly. And I'm happy to recommend some resources if you're looking for some. Now my third piece of wisdom is we're called a military community, emphasis community for a reason, take advantage of our communal spirit. This lifestyle ages us challenges us and can greatly discourage us. For servicemembers when you're part of a unit, going rogue can not only be a death sentence to you, but your unit, we need to apply that same unity, dedication, camaraderie, and loyalty, and who you want to work with or work for, as well as in our personal lives. One of my favorite books, when I was growing up was called Tuesdays with maurey by Mitch Albom. And there was a part in the book where Mitch was talking to Maury, who is already bedridden. And Maury gives us advice to Mitch, he says, In the beginning of life, when we are infants, we need others to survive, right. And at the end of life, when you get like me, you need others to survive, right? So his voice drops to whisper. But here's the secret. In between, we need others as well. We also need a community to feel like we are contributing to something greater than ourselves. Another book that I recommend is called tribe on homecoming and belonging by Sebastian younger, and he shares in his book, that word feels better than peace and hardship can turn out to be a great blessing. And disasters are sometimes remembered more fondly than weddings or tropical vacations. Humans don't mind hardship, in fact, they thrive in it. And I know as our military community, you can absolutely understand that. But what they mined is not feeling necessary. We're talking earlier about the number 24 veterans, unfortunately, committing suicide every day. And my theory, my husband and I are theory and the work that we do, and us that wealth is realizing that maybe it's because they don't have that sense of purpose. They don't feel needed in their civilian society. And so with that being said, with the work that I do with my military family focused podcast called now the ports, as well as our military focused financial firm us But well, I love doing the work here for two reasons. One, being in community with all of you, validates my existence and helps me find healing as a goldstar. Daughter, to I feel responsible for amplifying our stories and providing relatable financial literacy to our seasoned military spouses, career families, veterans and Veteran Business owners. It's truly nice to feel seen amongst you and to feel needed. So practice that communal spirit, seek out a community that can make you feel seen and needed. This could be the local spouse group at your new duty station, a nonprofit, a local or online social group, and much more. The possibilities are endless if you choose to seek it out. Now, the fourth piece of wisdom and I'm almost out I promise, is to be present, live with intention and purpose, despite whatever timeframe you may have. So I recently attended a church in Palm Springs for the first time, where there happened to be having a farewell celebration for a military family that was about to PCs. Crazy coincidence, this literally happened last weekend. Yes, in the short time they were here, the pastor praise them on stage and shared with the service, how they contributed to the church and how their contribution was more to the church than the lifetime of an average attendee. And the military spouse standing on stage shared this in her farewell speech, which I thought was absolutely just amazing. She said, four years may not be a lot of time to make a difference, but it is a lot of time to do nothing. So ask yourself, how can you be intentional and purposeful with this current season in your life? My fifth piece of parting advice, and I'm almost done, and we'll get into q&a after this. I promise. As you continue to move forward in life. Remember to stay in touch with the familiar. What do I mean by the familiar, it's important to remind yourself of who you were and where you came from, so that you can remember why you've chosen your lifestyle today. This could involve catching up with old friends picking up old hobbies, traveling back to your original sense of home, physical, sentimental items, a journal, basically anything that reminds you of your past. So for the first time since the pandemic hit, I finally had a chance to visit my dad's marker in the Fort rosecrans National Cemetery. His marker is amongst the section with other service members whose remains have also never been recovered. I can't put into words what it meant for me to see him again, even if it was just his marker, other than to say He continues to affirm my personal and professional journey. I also continue to stay in touch with childhood friends. And I even keep my childhood blanket with me to remind me of my humanity, especially when I'm a crazy workaholic, which I feel like a lot of us had been during the pandemic.

Lastly, I encourage you all to be grateful. Be grateful that there are lessons in loss, be grateful for another chance to reinvent yourself, be grateful for our communal spirit. Be grateful for the life you have now, where you came from, and the exciting opportunities that lie ahead, starting with today's mixer. So in closing, there's so much talk about this new normal. And I know I don't like that word either. And even though it's the buzzword of today's times, I bring it up because I want you to think of it this way. The new normal. Come on, the new normal is nothing new to us. Here's why. And listen closely. New is our normal. And I'll say that again. As a military community. New is our normal, new transition, new duty station, new home new schools, new baby new raid new PCs, new deployment, new challenges, new divorce, new death, new career, new identity, you friends, new things to celebrate what's new, new is our strength. New is the reason why we are here, why we are resilient, resourceful, well connected, organized, flexible, patient, and unique as a military community. This is our gifts in our advantage in our community and amongst our civilian counterparts. So next time you hear the new normal, I want you to remember, new is normal. You already have it in you to embrace a new beginning. I'm excited to see what's next for you. And I hope you find today's mixer. impactful for that. You got this. So once again, I'm Jenny most welcome to the new beginnings nosepads mixer presented by vets to industry. And thank you so much for having me. I'll bring it back to Leslie, if we have time. I'm open to questions.

: 27:03

Wow. Wow. So first off, this just goes with every meal spouse mixer, there's always onions being cut. So thank you for not being able to talk properly because of my hair dealing with the onions in the room. But thank you, Jen, your spark. And just everything you bring in your perspective, like thank you for being here. Oh, it's

Jen Amos: 27:29

it's my honor.

: 27:31

Thank you. We need this right now. We need you. And like you said, it's not a coincidence, right? inserted for this timing of your move. So So thank you. Please, let's open up the question. So I can gather any questions, pop some questions for Jen and in the chat. Don't be shy everybody. You want us to send directly to her to talk them right in the chat. And I can and I can read them. Hopefully I can read them. Dennis was beautiful. So I'll start off, you know, you have all of your different business ventures, you know what sent you that way? How did you decide? podcasting? For example? How did you say that was the method you were going to take to spread your message. We have a lot of male spouse entrepreneurs in the audience today. And they're really getting going. So I'd love to hear about and of course, for your next one. What made that decision for you? Oh, gosh,

Jen Amos: 28:31

I'm glad that you're allowing me to share a biased answer because podcasting has been absolutely game changing for me. So part of my background, why I started podcasting just two years ago, actually. And today, I've recorded probably over 500 interviews at this point. But back in summer 2019, my husband and I moved to the east coast, we moved twice. And I remember arriving to Virginia Beach and just feeling this, you know, lack of a social life. And it was hard to do it, it was just hard to kind of, you know, be out there locally and go to these networking events and kind of just have like those two minute quick intros and grab business cards and hope that you can, you know, nurture something out of that. And fortunately, at the time, my husband was and He's here. He's probably in the chat. But you know, at that time, he was sort of what we call the dog and pony show of our business us that well. And he was being interviewed on a ton of shows. And basically there was a technical issue that this host was having. And it got me to realize because he ended up using this extra this third party program. That third party program showed me how easy it was to actually start a podcast. And fast forward to today. The reason why I love podcasting is one, there's no gatekeeper to get started. There's free web hosting opportunities everywhere if you're looking to get started somewhere. And also, there's just something special about like I have found so I've been self employed for a decade and I've gone to the traditional networking events and exchanged business cards, but there's something more intimate and meaningful in recording an interview with someone and actually getting to know their stories. As opposed to just handing out, you know, the business card and doing the two minute pitches, and so I really do it for the relational aspect for the community building aspect. And also just having that rare space in today's times, to have open dialogue and find common ground with people you probably thought you would never talk to. So that's part of why we do it, I do it for fun, I've made a lot of friends because of podcasting. But it's also been great for business as well. And I think a lot of it has to do, especially if you're in the service based industry, it's very relational, you know, to be able to take that time, you know, 20 3045 minutes to interview someone and hear their story. It's impactful. And not only, you know, do you get to use that as marketing content, but so does the person who interviews so it's a win win situation for everyone. So being the bias podcaster I am, I highly recommend it for everyone to start podcasting as a form of marketing for your business.

: 30:55

Wonderful. Next question, what is a daily thing that you do that keeps you motivated?

Unknown Speaker: 31:00

Oh, gosh,

Unknown Speaker: 31:01

wow,

Jen Amos: 31:02

that's a good question. Well, I think like my mornings are really precious to me, I start my morning, always drinking at least two cups of water, I prefer high pH water. But also just journaling, I really like to just kind of unload, I use an audio app called otter.ai, where you could literally just talk into it and it transcribes everything you're saying. So if you're lazy to write, it's a good excuse to, you know, have something else type for you, I think Brian's given the thumbs up. So it's a great way to just unload and share your thoughts. And also express gratitude. As I mentioned, toward the end of my speech, gratitude is extremely important to me, we know as a military community, how, how difficult and challenging this life can be. But also, one thing I tend to find is, you know, amongst our civilian counterparts, realizing that you know, only less than 1% of our community of our American society serves, we have a special responsibility, and the uniqueness to us that is worth, you know, sharing, and, you know, putting out there so anyway, I think, you know, hydrating is very important, everyone should be hydrating, and also expressing gratitude and doing that, whether it's through journaling, or doing an audio recording, like, like I do. So those are the two main things I'll share. There's a lot more, but those are the two that I love doing the most. Wonderful. So can you spell that for me, please? Yeah, so otter as an animal otter, oh, god yeah.ai as an artificial intelligence. So otter.ai, you can actually start like, I don't get paid to say this, by the way, but you can actually create an account and you get like 500 minutes for free every month, I have the paid version, because I use it a lot. So one tip I like to do for podcasters is when you do a recording, you can upload the audio onto otter, and then you can use that as a transcript for your podcast episode. Or you can, you know, use that and recreate it into a blog article. So some marketing tips for y'all

: 32:50

didn't even realize you're going to be sharing those gems. So that's perfect. Thank you, Jen. Next question, what do you feel is the biggest struggle spouses face from your perspective when it comes to maintaining a career? Yeah,

Jen Amos: 33:04

that's a great question. I think the biggest thing that I have observed in the 100 plus episodes we've done at holding down the fort, is it's not necessarily spouses finding a job, but moreso a sense of purpose and what they're doing this sense of like a calling. And so you know, spouses don't just want to, let's say work in the library, you know, like part time, they don't just want to volunteer, they want to feel like they are purposeful, that they are contributing to their family. And they are also, you know, having some self fulfillment, that they're doing something good for themselves. So that's what I have come to find is it's really beyond the basic need of even helping provide for the family. But having a sense of purpose, and being able to, you know, step outside of that military spouse title sometimes and feeling like you have an identity outside of that.

: 33:53

Perfect, and then they're asking about your your business us that wealth. How does the community begin to learn more about wealth with with the business, you're running like each house? Yeah,

Jen Amos: 34:04

that's a great question. I wish I could pull Scott up here, but I guess I'll do it for him. So when we come to find the thing with our military community, and we primarily focus on career military families, is that we're comfortable. We got military benefits, like, you know, we got our paycheck, like we're told where to go, where to stay where to move to. And what we like to do is we like to look at the military benefits and work with military families who aren't just looking to be comfortable, but looking to strive for a sense of wealth, and actually leave a legacy behind for their family. And so part of that is understanding that there may actually be better options in the private market, as opposed to you know, what the military benefits or what the military benefits you already have. Military benefits are great. I think they're a great standard. But considering how our military community is the healthiest demographic in America, there's actually a lot of other options and solutions that they can benefit from the private market, just because you are are super healthy. And unfortunately, it's usually toward the end of their service, you know, 1815 to 20 years in, when they start to look at private options, when unfortunately, because they've already picked up a disability or you know, they've maybe reported in their documents that they had suicidal ideation, sometimes they won't be able to benefit for better solutions. So we like to have that conversation. We like to challenge the status quo, because we believe that you deserve it. And you especially deserve it in post military life. The last thing we want to see is, you know, a military family transitioning into civilian life, and struggling with a sense of purpose, and also struggling financially. And so obviously, a shameless plug, if you want to learn about more about us, our website is us debt, wealth calm. And also you can look for Scott Tucker, in the chat here. Oh, hi, Jared, I know, Jared is here as well. He's one of our clients. But you can reach out to Scott too, if you want to ask any more questions, but it's a passion of ours to really, you know, in theme of living intentionally and purposefully, we like to show you how you can do that with wealth through our company. So that's a little bit about what we do. So thanks for asking.

: 36:06

That. Okay, so next question. And we do have time for a few more. So that's perfect. How do you overcome anxiety to us starting over again? And again? I mean, even with a therapist, I'm thinking, you know, five in a year, like, how do you know, anything? How do you get over that anxiety? of starting over and over? Again?

Jen Amos: 36:27

That's a great question. Yeah, I mean, just like I said, in my speech, I've been at three different time zones in the last two weeks. And I have to say, first and foremost, start by acknowledging your anxiety, your anxiety is there for a reason, it's there to protect you, your body is smarter than you think, then you give it credit for. So sometimes just acknowledging it is the start of reducing that anxiety. And then I would say, share it, you know, share it with people, share your anxiety, share your fears, your insecurities, with your inner circle with the people you love the people that you trust, because I think one of the hard things about our military community is with all the PCs, with all the moving with all the changes, it is very easy to feel alone, to feel like you're the only one going through something. And I've heard about this through our military spouses interviews, that sometimes they don't want to share what they're going through, because they don't want the service member to not get deployed. And so it's a real issue to you know, kind of sweep things under the rug and keep things to ourselves. But I highly encourage you to, you know, definitely, you know, reach out to people you trust. And of course, like I mentioned, mental health is extremely, extremely important. I will give a shout out to the Coen veterans network, I have greatly benefited from them, I love them. And my co host, Jenny Lynch group is actually involved in working with them. So we talk a lot about mental health. But please, please, please, like I said before, please get help. Don't figure this out on your own. And yeah, and honor your feelings honor that sense of anxiety, because it is your body trying to say something to you.

: 37:53

Wow, fantastic. Thank you so much. And Okay. Did you ever get discouraged by not finding the work you wanted to do? And what did you do to maintain your resiliency? So maybe it was even your businesses not gaining traction or whatever, you know? Yeah. What did you do to maintain?

Jen Amos: 38:15

I did my dad's a great question too. Well, I was not expecting this. Well, being in community is important. So prior to meeting my husband, I ran a social media agency for about a handful years. And although I had contractors, I basically was running my business on my own. And what I encourage you to do is when you're in business for yourself, please don't do it alone. You know, please even find like an inner circle, that you can be a part of a mastermind. I'm very fortunate. I mean, I guess depending on how you look at it, sometimes I'm very fortunate to be working with my husband and doing life with my husband. Because on the days where I really struggle with my own mental health, he tends to just pick it up, he tends to pick up the slack, and vice versa. So that is my biggest piece of advice is, you know, be in community, contribute to a community. Because then you have that accountability and the times where you feel so isolated, you might be so fortunate to have someone that cares about you actually reach out and be the reason why you get back up again and get back to work again. So community community community.

: 39:18

Wonderful. That's what we're all about. I attribute bets industries is like cheers, cheers, theme song. Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name, and you're always glad they're paying. My video family feels like to me. So two more questions. If you're okay with the death. Yeah. Then we'll move along. But the next one is what advice would you give to new foreign spouses? Given what you witnessed growing up like with your mom, and her experience had this particular individual's experience has been wonderful, ever that education translation is difficult. So what advice would you get for new Foreign spouses,

Jen Amos: 40:01

for new spouses, well, we like foreign foreign spouses. Yeah. Again, community is key, being able to be I mean it because there's plenty of foreign spouses. My mom was a foreign spouse, you know, she was an immigrant, you know, when my dad moved from the Philippines to serve. And I would say, if there's something I wish that she did, because she definitely became supermom, after we lost dad, she did a lot of things by herself. Yeah, she just did. Like, she felt like she had to be everything to everyone in the sense and have that, you know, kind of carry that strong exterior. So, you know, if I were to able to speak to my mom at that time, which by the way, she's doing really well, today, she actually like got really healthy during the pandemic, she's like, the healthiest in her family right now. But what I wish I could have told her, you know, at that time, if I was self aware, is to tell her to, again, be in community, find other foreign spouses that you can be community with and confide in. Again, it's so easy to feel alone in this community, it's so easy to feel like you're the only one going through what you're going through. But the moment you share this, the moment you find people who are just like in your situation, you feel less alone, and you actually feel maybe more a sense of honor to be living this life. And so I recommend finding like minded people, such as yourself, it's so much easier today, by the way, I mean, when my dad served in the 80s, and 90s. I mean, Facebook didn't even exist, you know, like, there are so many free online communities that you can look into so many free resources, especially from what you're gonna learn today, here at vets to industry, the middle spouse mixer, and I just encourage you to allow yourself to seek that help, and not fall prey to isolation. So I hope that's helpful.

: 41:38

Wonderful. And last question, and I know there's a good 48 additional messages after that. So I'm certain there's more questions, but this is loving your input data. I'm glad I listened to the 500 passive interviews when I could say so in this moment that our military families have added COVID. And its many difficulties to an already often challenging lifestyle. How would you suggest pulling them back out into the community? So many, like paid workforce is hard to find these days, right? Less alone? volunteers. So how do you get that momentum again, pull them back out, we're so used to being surrounded by I am these white for white walls, on the military installation. As a community organizer, and program creator, this individual is observing a reluctance from military families, and specifically spouses when it comes to coming out engaging with others again, I've seen this with my children, I could say, as I see it with them as a self defense mechanism, they're so hurt by the loss that will come with making friends, a lot of times they avoid making friends altogether, because they don't want to have to go through that grieving process. So what are your recommendations for getting spouses back out, you know, involved, especially if you're a community organizer, or you know, a project manager or the program's creator, or community? Well,

Jen Amos: 43:12

my piece of advice for community organizers is to emphasize the importance that you need the spouses rather than, say, Come out, you know, get involved to actually say, I need you, I need your help. You know, just like the book I if anyone's interested, I highly recommend the book tribe by Sebastian, younger, he talks about how we like to feel needed. And sometimes as a community organizer, as someone who wants to rally people, you have to be vulnerable and say, I need you can you help me. So I think that's where it starts. Because otherwise, if you make it about kind of about them, and how it benefits them, sometimes, especially if they're already jaded, which I completely understand. After we had lost my dad after that, you know, last moments of my friends making me feel special, and of course, good Japan. And finally feeling like I was popular, and then to be thrusted back to, you know, California, and having to start all over again. I was pretty complacent and jaded and indifferent for most of my teenage years, it really took me to my 20s to finally open up again, and not be afraid of trusting people. I definitely struggle with abandonment issues. For a very long time, I had this fundamental belief that if I love someone too much, I'm either going to lose them, or they're going to leave me or die. And so I get it, you know, that fear that loss is so real. And so rather than talk about it, in regards to their benefit, like how it benefits them to be out in the community, I would try to go as far as say, hey, I need you can you help me with this? And it could even be as small as Hey, can you reach out to so and so or Hey, can you review this email for me before I send it out? Like start small and build up to it because sometimes it's those breadcrumbs that will pull them out of their funk and they'll Thank you later for it. So I can't thank all the people or you know, I think about even my husband who's here All the little things he had done to get me out of my funk sometimes, especially when I'm upset with him, and him needing me to help him. So I hope that piece of advice is helpful.

: 45:10

I think it is brilliant. So Jen, thank you so much for your time and sharing everything. And what an inspiration and the exact reason that we asked you to come on and talk about this topic today. So I hope you're able to stick around, you're gonna have a little talk from our premier sponsor, and then also breakout room. And we're going to talk about the flow of the rest of the event. But we'd love to have you join us if you're able to, but I gotta go pull out my tissue. So thank you so

Unknown Speaker: 45:39

much. Well, thank

Jen Amos: 45:40

you for having me. And I hope that our conversation today added value to all of you, and you got at least one Golden Nugget out of our conversation. So thanks again for having me. Perfect. Brian, over to you. Wow,

: 45:52

Jen, you're invited back anytime. Seriously. We need to get your energy on the other than where more veterans Come on as well. They need to hear your passion. They need this as well. I can't thank you enough. So thank you and please, please stay. This is me so many people that are going to want to talk to you in these breakout rooms.

Jen Amos: 46:19

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: 46:22

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Jen Amos: 46:34

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: 46:42

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