006: "It's okay to not be okay." Normalizing conversations around mental health with Annette Whittenberger

Jen Amos 0:00

There's no need to wait on your service member to share secondhand information anymore. Welcome to holding down the fort, a podcast show where we put military spouses and children's needs front and center so that they can make informed decisions together as a family. Because let's face it, we know who's really holding down the fort. Let's get started

all right, hi everyone, Jen Amos here, your host for holding down the fort podcast and I'm really excited because I get to introduce to you an amazing lady today a net Whitten Berger, she is a military spouse, mother to two teenagers one being in college, and a veteran who served in the army for over 17 years as a chemical officer, including a deployment to Iraq and Afghanistan. She retired and decided to trade in her boots for Converse sneakers to be able to make up for lost time with her now teenagers. Since her retirement, she has pcs from Fort Polk, la to Fairfax, Virginia to support her husband's military career. Wow. So you're just all in that military life. So Annette has a blog called a wild ride called Life, which incorporates stories from her post military life in which she shares how she lives life being a mom living with PTSD, anxiety and depression. Along with writing her blog. She also writes for other social media sources. She is a mentor for veterans on better Adi and military spouses on a mentor most recently, and that has volunteered as a mentor for taps, which is a strategy assistant program for children's survivors. She is also working alongside with the biII daring foundation as an ambassador in which she assist in helping to end the stigma on mental health across college campuses. She will actually be speaking at their event in Arizona on August 31. Annette, welcome to the show.

Speaker 1 2:11

Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here.

Jen Amos 2:14

Yeah, I'm excited to full transparency. I've been actually I've been very transparent about this since I found out but I had recently been diagnosed with mild depression. And I have found that talking to people who understand or have been through it themselves, and are sharing their story is really comforting for me, you know, it kind of normalizes the conversation and doesn't make me feel ashamed or in denial of it. So you know, just reading your story and going to your website, just wild ride called life. It's really cool to be around someone who understands, and I'm sure we're going to delve into it more. I'm already skipping ahead of myself, because I'm excited to address a very serious, serious topic. But before I jump ahead of myself, why don't you share? How did you hear about the podcast and what inspired you to speak on our show today?

Speaker 1 3:05

Actually, it was your husband, he reached out to me through LinkedIn, and I, when people reach out to me like that I give, I'm very honored. I just felt like oh my gosh, someone wants to hear my story. And the reason why I do that is to help people just like you. So it's comforting to talk to other people who are feeling the same that way they feel that they're not alone. And that's my mission is to try to help as many people as I can, now that I have the second chance at life to do so.

Jen Amos 3:33

I think that's really incredible. And I wanted to share this, I guess you can call it a meme. But it's a it's an image quote that I came across today. And I think it's very relevant to our conversation today. It says, One day, this is actually by post secret in case anyone was ever into that back in the day, one day, you will tell your story of how you've overcome what you're going through now, and it will become part of someone else's Survival Guide. When I read that I was like That is why storytelling is so important. And I love how transparent you have been on your blog. So let's go ahead and dive into more of your story. And for people that are getting to know you for the first time. Why don't you tell them or tell us our listeners, what a typical day looks like for you? And what keeps you busy or most excited about your life nowadays?

Speaker 1 4:23

Well, let's see a typical day. It all depends how a lot of people that I might sound cheery and happy and things seem to be good, but I have my days. There's days that are some days are better than others. And like today, I was kind of in a funk actually, to be honest. I was just I've been binge watching Netflix because I was just kind of in this in this one. I mean, I'm busy with my kids, of course. But what makes what Gosh, what brings me joy. I sound like Marie Kondo was me. Oh,

Jen Amos 5:01

that's a good show, by the way,

Speaker 1 5:03

absolutely is to change my life. What makes me happy is actually sharing my story as somber as it is, and sad. And, you know, I cry about it. I really feel like, this is what I'm supposed to do. I went through all this crap to, I don't know, to be able to help somebody on the other end, because God gave me another chance. That's what makes me happy when I'm able to mentor when I'm able to just talk to somebody, and they can leave the conversation feeling better, that lets it let's everything to me.

Jen Amos 5:38

I think that's beautiful. You hint at you feel like you've given a second chance at life. What did your first life look like before what it is today?

Speaker 1 5:47

Oh, first life was very, I was very depressed, I would still mad at the fact that I had to I retired early, it was not my plan. I was angry at the world, I blamed everybody except for myself. And I had to constantly be reminded by my husband that not to let a piece of paper define me that I serve, and I serve well, and I was successful. And no one knew that I was going to even be able to surf that long and all these positives and he was so bright, I was just in that funk. And I was so bad. And life was just and just in, I guess with everything else that had happened during my military career, just losing soldiers and suicide. I mean, that's a whole other story. But when I mean second chance, after all that, but we moved down here to Virginia, my daughter wanted to go to college in Texas, so we'd have phones from Virginia to Louisiana to pick up her stuff. On the way to school we got in a car accident, and it was a very bad one. Doctors don't know how we survived it. I'm actually coming up on my one year anniversary from the accident to next week. And it completely changed my life. Because I was in the hospital for five weeks, I broke everything on my left side, I'm still recovering, I'm a lot better, but it's not I can't run ever again. So when every doctor came in and was like, Oh my gosh, I don't know how you made it. Your daughter and I or your daughter and yourself are so blessed. And all the nurses have I'm just for a while there. I was like kind of tired of hearing about it. I was like God, I don't want to hear this anymore. It's just overwhelming. But once I came home, and once I started, I couldn't look at the picture for a long time. So when I finally came home, and I was settled in, because I was in a hospital in Texas, I'm sorry, I keep going back and forth. I was in a hospital in Texas. So I was away from my family. And that was one of the hardest things to do was to be stuck in a hospital. My sister in law came out to visit me my father in law came out because they were all in Texas, but I wasn't able to see my son or my husband for five weeks. And it just killed me. And so when I was finally able to come home, and I saw the picture, I just broke down like, Oh my God, how did I survive that? How did we survive it? I have no idea. And that's when I knew God wasn't though with me. There's nothing else I'm supposed to be doing. And I'm listening. I'm here. I'm here I'm hearing. Okay, I'm gonna do it. So, as many times as I said, You should go back to work. Maybe I should just get a job. And my husband's like, No, you're doing what you're doing. Because that's what makes you happy. And you're here with your son, you know, you're gonna replace he need you and why. And that's the first time that most customers be like, yeah, go kind of go get a job. Yeah, no, he's absolutely supportive. And this is what I love to do. And I'm so yeah, that that was my second chance. That was, I mean, even after all the little things that I went through in life with taking pills or, you know, little things like that this car accident was not one of the best things, but it woke me up. It woke my daughter and I both

Jen Amos 9:00

up. And I can only imagine that you and your daughter have an even stronger bond because of what you went through together. Yeah, we've Yeah. Does she feel like she has a second chance at life also,

Speaker 1 9:13

she does. I mean, she missed her first semester of college because she had broken her leg and she stayed here. When she went back to school, she just she grew up back. And she's doing things that we didn't expect her to do until she was like a junior or senior, but now she's just she knows where she wants to live. She's not gonna let anything hold her back. She calls me almost every day just for little things. And I just, you know, I'm happy to have that because, like I said, Some kids don't want to call their moms all the time, but she tells me more things and I would have expected her to and that makes me happy. So I just pray for her safety every day. Like be safe. Know what you want to do. Yeah, people went down that path and she's like, I know mama. So is this You Yeah, I'm glad that I can text or call or FaceTime or and I was really blessed with that.

Jen Amos: 10:06

You make me want to text my mom just to check in with her. Let her know that I'm doing okay. Right? Well, happy anniversary, you know, for it's been one year, like you said, and it sounds like your life has really changed. And I find that people who go through kind of like a near death experience like that really reevaluate their mortality and realize that there's more to life than whatever they were doing in their previous life, you know, which wasn't a bad life. But you know, because you have a second chance you can, you can, you can take more chances because you've already almost faced death. And you're like, Okay, well, that's what that felt like. And apparently, I'm still here, for whatever reason. And I have a very supportive husband and I have a daughter that I'm so much closer to more than ever. So what's there to lose? Yes. I love that. Yeah. Well, thanks for sharing that. And I mean, I hadn't from what I read so far. I hadn't read about that part of your life. And so I appreciate you sharing that with us today. Oh, you're welcome. Yeah, so I want to go ahead and just shift gears for a little bit here with holding down the for the purpose of the show is to bring up education and resources to military spouses, and really their families that they wouldn't normally get or aren't as easily accessible. And so today, we wanted to talk about how to overcome trauma and mental health. And so my first question for you, and that is, do you feel like there's enough education and resources about overcoming trauma and mental health today?

: 11:46

I feel that there is, I just feel that stigma is what's holding a lot of people back, I think, because well, I know, for me, I didn't want to talk about it, because I was embarrassed, and I didn't think anybody's gonna understand or they're gonna see me as weak. I didn't want it to hinder my career. There's all these factors. So I never said anything until the end, when I was retiring. And I'm like, Well, what are they gonna do to me now? I'm retiring. So now I can say everything. But it's been it was ongoing for years before that. And I feel that if I would have gotten help before that maybe I wouldn't have felt so deep into that dark hole, years later. So yes, I feel that there are resources, but it's the stigma. I think that's scaring people. They don't want it to ruin anything. So they don't want to say anything. That's why I'm so passionate about telling people even you know, even some of my family members didn't really know until just a short while ago, but I am willing to share it. If I can help somebody else know that they're not the only one feeling this way. It's, it's okay to not be okay.

Jen Amos: 12:50

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: 15:04

As I was retiring, I was in the initial phase, I started talking to some former soldiers who were trying to find out how I was doing because they knew that I was really upset, and they started sharing their feelings. And then I decided to write about it. But I was I wrote about it was like an online journal. Until one day, I was like, You know what, I this is crazy. There's so many of us who don't know how to do it, I'm just gonna do it. And I hired another veteran to help me do the website. And I launched it. And I was like, Okay, this is it. And it's on now, holding back. And that was it. i It was scary. It was so scary and know what people were gonna think about me. And, you know, it took a while I didn't know who was reading it. I didn't know how they felt. But then I had to stop thinking about how they felt. Because if they were offended, and they can unfriend me, or they don't want to follow me, but if I can help them and even better, and so when I started having people reached out to me on Instagram, or LinkedIn, or even my website, and they were telling me, you know, thanks for sharing that I've been feeling this way. And I just, I don't know how to say anything. That's when I was, that's when I was crying. I was like, Oh, my gosh, there's somebody out there does that to reading it, and I'm helping them. So that's what keeps me going. Because I know, you just don't know who's watching you, or reading your stuff or listening to you. So I have to keep going. Because I'm going to help somebody, I can save one life. And it was worth it.

Jen Amos: 16:30

Yeah, so it sounds like you really filled in the void yourself. You're like I you know, the only way for me to get over this stigma is to just face it head on and create something for myself and create a platform for me to share my story. And I got someone helped me build this website. So now I have no choice. But to do it. And I was just thinking also, I completely agree with you on that. Because even just the other day, for me, I was feeling a little, I didn't see the point in what I was doing with another project. But it was only when someone reached out and said that they appreciated what I did. And they were inspired by it. I think not a lot of people understand that until until you're told that until someone comes to you and says what you're doing is so inspiring. You know, because you're kind of putting yourself out there in the dark. And you're putting your heart out there. And I think first and foremost, when you do put it out there, it's really for your own self healing. But then when you have someone reach out to you and say I love your work, it's really inspiring me keep going. You know, that's just like what you said, I felt really inspired by that. Like, even though it was hard to get it done. It was really the result of it. And you know, the feedback that was like, wow, that was worth it. Like I don't always have to be passionate with what I'm working on. I just have to get it done and for myself, and in hopes that it'll affect other people. And when it does, it's like, Oh, what if I do that again. So I love that you're putting yourself out there and being really vulnerable. And people are coming to you and asking you for this advice. And for that type of guidance. And I know specifically you focus on military families and veterans, because you've been you've just been all over the military community for the last couple of decades from being a service member to a military spouse, or to a veteran to a military spouse and, and everything. So it's nice that you have found your niche, and helping the military community specifically.

Unknown Speaker: 18:35

Thank you. Yes.

Jen Amos: 18:37

Yeah, my pleasure. I mean, thank you, thank you for, you know, doing what you're doing. So I kind of want to tap More into just the stigma, because like we were discussing just now there, although there's so many resources out there. It's really that stigma that people have to get over to get access to these resources. And so what are some tips or advice or just words of encouragement that you want to share today, for people who might be afraid to jump over that stigma and get help?

: 19:11

So the one thing that I've been that I heard, and I don't remember where but it stuck with me and that I teach my own kids is that it is okay not to be okay. You're allowed to cry, you're allowed to feel sad, you're allowed to be depressed, but you just have to remember the next day is a whole other day to get through it. And I know that it's easier said than done, because I hate when people say that to me. I'm like it's not that easy. You don't understand, but I've been through some crap and as well as some other people have in I'm still here. I don't know how but I am and I just know that there's so much more out there so it's okay to feel that way. But just remember to do you can start again tomorrow, and you're not the only one who feels that way. Trust me you are so nod and So I want people to know that they're not alone in, you know, they don't want to call the crisis hotline or they don't want to share it with their family, you can call me I tell that to everybody, I have a judgment free zone. I have a phone number I text I video call, I do whatever. So if you just don't feel comfortable, you know, call me calling somebody, because you're gonna make it. You really are, like, gosh, I don't I don't even know how to put into words. I just, I'm always gonna go back to the car accident in the in the suicide attempts. I'm still here. And I am so lucky. Last, I don't know. But I am always here to help you get through it.

Jen Amos: 20:44

I love that Annette. And I was just thinking, I like how you say, It's okay to not be okay. We can tell people that. But when you're in the moment when you feel, you know, so hopeless and stuck. Even just two days ago, I was just stuck mentally, like I felt all sorts of hopelessness. And I just felt like I couldn't get out of our current situation. But the best thing I did for myself, and this was already late at night when I'm in bed with my husband, Scott. And I, I just held his hand. And I was like, Honey, I'm sad. Like, I'm just sad. And he just listened to me. And he just let me be and he just let me cry. And hopefully, if you're in a similar situation, that you have some kind of support group, and maybe you already do, and you're just afraid to let them know how you're feeling. But sometimes it just helps to just let someone know, hey, I'm, I'm going through a funk right now. And it would just be great. If you could just be here with me. And I don't know if anything I'm about to say is going to matter tomorrow, but I just I just need to be me right now. I need to like, just say whatever I need to say on my mind. Whatever I'm going through, I just need you to be with me. You know what I mean? Like? Yeah,

: 21:55

absolutely. And that's so important, especially when people don't know how to put it. There's so many who other than try to fix, you can't fix everybody, you can just be there. And that's, I think that's so important to just be there just to listen, don't say anything. Just let me cry. Free let me cry. Let me hold your hand. And sometimes that sometimes that's all we need. Right?

Jen Amos: 22:23

Yeah, cuz the next day, I was still feeling like this dark cloud. But for the most part, I felt so much better. Just knowing that someone that I love and trust the most was able to embrace me in that way and just be present with me in that moment. And so, you know, hopefully, our listeners, if you're going through something similar, hopefully you can have the courage to just say something as simple as I'm sad. And I just need you to be here with me. I know there's so many different levels of depression. But hopefully some of the stuff we shared today is helpful for you. And and as you know, Annette is more than happy to talk to you. If you just need maybe a third, you know, someone outside of your network, if you don't want to call the crisis hotline, but you want someone to just hear you out, I'm sure. Um, that is more than happy to do that for you. Absolutely. Yeah, well, um, that I feel like we covered a lot of stuff today, we shared your story. And we talked about the stigma of getting help and even sharing some advice on what to do, especially if you're like stuck in that you're just kind of stuck in a funk and you don't know how to get out of it. Is there any any other thoughts or advice that you wanted to share with us today?

: 23:39

I'm just gonna say like, today, I was in my fog, and I just wanted to watch Netflix and I think that's okay, I really do. There's sometimes you just have to find something that's just going to calm you down. Whether it's reading a book, watching Netflix, or being with your dogs, I have four of them, and sometimes they get on my nerves, but man, they just changed my world. So I need them and take a mental break day, you're allowed to do that. You don't have to every single day just be on the go, you're gonna get drained out. So that's just what I noticed today. I was like, You know what, I didn't get anything done. It's okay, cuz tomorrow. It's on I have an event to go to, you know what I mean? It's just like, Yeah, okay, it's okay. I'm still present. I'm here. I'm here for my son. He's gonna get dinner. It's gonna be okay.

Jen Amos: 24:29

Yeah, you spoke to me today, which I really appreciate. I know for myself, when I'm in a funk, it's hard for me to want to pick up the phone. So I just want to thank you for taking time out of your day out of watching Netflix, because that's so fun. You know, to speak with me and that I really appreciate it.

: 24:49

Oh my gosh, no. Yes. Thank you for your patience. Yeah, no

Jen Amos: 24:54

worries. Well, Annette, I have had such a pleasant conversation with you today and I'm sure for For anyone that's listening to this they'll want to have a pleasant conversation with you as well. For anyone that does want to continue the conversation with you how can they get a hold of you?

: 25:09

They can go to I'm on Facebook a wild ride call life you can message me there. On my website. I'm on Instagram all the same names or you can I have a number you can actually call it 573-326-9448. Like I said, I subtext calls I'm you know, doesn't matter what time I'm here, I just want to help. All right,

Jen Amos: 25:31

listeners. There you have it, we have Annette Witten Berger, speaking with us today about mental health and how important it is to be okay with not being okay and to seek out help. If this episode resonated with you in any way, feel free to call in, you can check out the show notes to see how you can do that, whether it's leaving a voice message or emailing us. Also, if you didn't get a net information the first time Don't worry, we will have that in the show notes as well. And that I want to thank you again so much for taking some time with me today to talk about these important topics. And hopefully if we have people reach out Who knows maybe we'll have you back on the show again.

Unknown Speaker: 26:11

Thank you so much. I appreciate it.

Jen Amos: 26:14

Thank you so much for listening to the holding down the fort podcast show. To leave us a message. Please visit our show notes to learn how or you can email us at holding down the fort podcast@gmail.com Until next time