126: "Asking for support does not mean that you are failing to support your own community." The deployment journey and being a late career spouse with Jayla Rae Ardelean

Jen Amos 0:00

All right, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of the award winning podcast show holding down the fort. I am your Creator and co host Jen aImost. And of course, as always, I have my amazing co host with me, Jenny Lynn. stroupe Jennylyn Welcome back. Hey, glad to be here today. Thanks. Happy to be here. Yeah, twice. I'm so happy to be here. Yes, yes. Yeah, cuz y'all y'all missed out. We had a really fun like offline conversation before and I was like, Oh my gosh, we're 15 minutes in we got to die. We should probably start recording. But anyway, with that being said, we are really excited because we have another incredible new guest on our show. Let me go ahead and introduce her. She is Jayla Ray, are d'alene and Jayla Ray is a male spouse, mentor, speaker and writer who was a step mom to for a dog mom of two rambunctious dioxins, and hopefully a home owner of a cottage in Iceland one day. Also she is the host of the new podcast show the heart of a middle spouse podcast. So without further ado, jailer. Ray, welcome to the show.

Speaker 1 0:58

Oh, I'm so excited to be here. Thank you for having me.

Jen Amos 1:01

Yes, yes, for sure. And we have to specify to our audience that Jayla Ray is your first name. We often talk about how Jenny Lynn has to first names and how people often get it wrong. And we have to like edit that out on the show. So today, we have two people who have two first names Jayla Ray and Jenny Lynn,

Unknown Speaker 1:19

is connect over this for the rest of our lives.

Speaker 2 1:24

Yeah, how many times you get to tell people that it's actually both all the time?

Unknown Speaker 1:29

Anytime, every time?

Jen Amos 1:31

Yeah. Well, let's go ahead and jump right into it. Jailer Ray for people that are getting to know you for the first time. Give us a snapshot of your life right now. What is it like for you to be holding down the fort today?

Speaker 1 1:43

Oh, goodness. So right now, I'm currently in San Antonio, Texas, and my husband is deployed. So the entirety of my life right now I feel like is centered around the fact that he is deployed. And I'm just trying to figure out how to get through this. At the time that this interview comes out. I'll probably be further along in that journey. But this deployment is a year long. Right now I'm about in month four. So not quite halfway, and I'm kind of in a pit. So I don't know, any other way to describe that. I've heard other military spouses describe it that way as well. So in order to really pull down my own fort, because my stepchildren do not live with us. So I am alone, a lot of the time. I'm just trying to find pockets of time where I really spend intentional time taking care of myself, which unfortunately, when you are experiencing situational depression, that is the opposite of what you want to do. So it's been quite a challenge, but I'm making it through.

Jen Amos 2:49

Yeah, and I have to just start by commending you for showing up anyway, because as we were talking about offline, it is easier to talk about, like the tips and tricks of deployment after it's already been done. But here you are showing up, you know, having shared with us offline, all the things that you had to personally go through already and just this week, you know, to be able to show up today. So I just want to commend you for some foremost for being able to show up as you are Jennylyn. Any initial thoughts?

Speaker 2 3:15

Oh man, I heard Jayla re describe deployment as a pit and it's funny. I thought of my Moore's a wall. I like did well did well, well, let's, let's really, let's roll that back. It wasn't awesome. I had a toddler and a newborn one month into deployment. And so I don't know if well is the word I should use there. But it was like, I put one foot in front of the other one foot and for the other until I didn't, and like I got to this place. It was Thanksgiving. You like I can still I know where I was standing in my parents house. I know what outside the window look like, I know every feeling that I felt and it was just this like, I'm done. I'm done. I did it this long. I can't do it anymore. I don't know what I'm gonna do for the you know, last month of this, but I'm done. And I, I checked out and like I said it was Thanksgiving Day. And it was like we'd done all the fun things. And I had shown up and I'd said my baby and my toddler and had real conversations with real adults, and still just felt this like, oh, yeah, this sucks. Like, I'm out. I'm done. And the next day, I remember like, my sister was in town. And I remember looking at my mom and my sister and I was like, can you guys have the voice? And they were kind of like, yeah, and I was like, I have to leave and I just went out like, I went to the mall. It was Black Friday, and I think that is a real Black Friday. Like it was not a hot day. Again, like it was just, I mean, I did i i left, you know, my infant and my toddler with my mom and my sister who are wonderful people. And also I was like, I don't have the capacity to do this today. And I drove to the mall, and I wandered around and wandered some more and just like, to this day can remember just that feeling of like, oh, this just got really, really hard. Like I thought it was hard all along, but for whatever reason today is the day that it like, felt terrible. And I don't want to do it anymore.

Speaker 1 5:16

Yeah. Oh, anyway, that sounds so tough. And I, I love that you're describing it as like a wall. It does not feel that way. For me, it does feel like a pit. But I think one of the cool things that we can bring from this conversation is that deployment sucks no matter what. And it does feel differently per person. But the underlying emotion and like, just feeling of I don't want to do this anymore. It doesn't matter how you describe it. That's what it is. It's just, I don't want to do this anymore. I have to do this, I have to figure it out. But I don't want to do this anymore. And I literally just said that on the phone to my husband yesterday crying. I was like, I don't want to do this anymore. And there's nothing to be done. We have to do it. So

Speaker 2 6:06

yeah, I think that's what I felt like when I think about it now. I mean, that was 10 years ago, my son's to know, but like, when I think about that, like it was hard enough to get there. And then the hardest part was like this shame. I felt like I should be able to do it better. Like I made it this far. Why can't I go tomorrow to you know, and that's something I've really wrestled with a lot. Like, as we've continued on as a military family. I mean, for one, we did a deployment right after that one ended, which was equally as awesome. Actually, it wasn't, it was terrible. It was actually worse than the first one for multiple reasons. But, you know, I think I am grateful now like 10 years after that, that there's so much more talk about like taking care of yourself and mental health and support and community. Because I had a great one. I mean, I was living with my parents, I had great leg, Navy family. And also like, in that moment, I could access none of it. But when I needed to, like they were there. And I'm glad that such more of the conversation these days is like no like, text, call, email, whatever, you know, Facebook message, put something out there. So that because chances are like there's somebody else that also feels that way at that exact same moment that's gonna both commiserate and empathize without like bringing you down, you're both going to be able to sit comfortably uncomfortable in the misery of the day, you know, and I'm glad that we have made like strides as a community to really push that community piece of this, like this is a team sport.

Speaker 1 7:47

Yeah, can I pick out just a piece of what you said, because I was really struggling with that yesterday, I was like, I don't want to talk to anyone, because I don't want to bring them down. But that's why it's so important to talk to someone who is in your situation, because there is no bringing that person down. They're already there with you like they're already there right alongside you. So there is no down for them to go essentially. And I struggled with that just yesterday, I was like, Oh, I don't want to talk to my best friend who isn't in military life. And she does her best to support me and is so empathetic. But I don't feel like I can do that. At this time. I could reach out to other military spouses in this Facebook group that I really like just to say I'm having a really hard day or someone in my DMs that I know is also currently experiencing a deployment, like, it's so important to take that step. And yet, we do want to resist that. And I just want to normalize that it is 100% normal to feel like, I don't want to reach out to this person, because I don't want to bring their energy down. But what's really going on underneath there too, is an inability to receive support and feeling like you are not deserving of receiving support because you are quote unquote, failing in this moment. And it's such a mind boggling moment because it feels like it lasts forever. Like it just feels like it's continuing on forever and ever. But yeah, just as genuine said like there are a community of people who understand this, but it is important to reach out to those who are currently doing this. Just so that you're on the same page.

Jen Amos 9:27

Yeah, I'm just hearing you both talk. And I think about even my own experience as a military child for the first decade of my life and how essentially, I had learned to be self sufficient. I had to learn to kind of like, be my own ally and support myself emotionally and etc, etc. Because, you know, Dad was always gone and mom was, you know, trying to provide and doing the best that she could. And I think that you know, as time goes on, we sort of have to learn that yes, it's good to be self sufficient, but it also is good to lean against people like you have to find that balance. And yes, we have that spirit of wanting to be of service to other people. But we do a disservice if we don't ask for that in return. And so to kind of find that balance, I think is an everyday challenge, I think for many of us and even myself, but also, part of what allows me to want to ask people for help is knowing that some people actually appreciate when you ask them for help. Like, I love it, when my friends confided me like, I love it. I love it when they're like, I've been afraid to tell this to someone for a while. But if you don't mind me sharing with you, like I love that, you know, and I think just knowing that there is a community like that, especially in the military, that wants to be that person, I think in a way hopefully makes it a little bit easier to know that you can lean against community, you can be self sufficient, and you can lean against community. Well, you

: 10:37

made a good point. I mean, it's a learned behavior, like you said, it's one thing to be self sufficient. It's another thing to learn, like, you know, I'm the mom of two military kids who resist at almost every pass, like, the fact that we live in an area where there are lots of other military kids like, it can feel so isolating. And also like, this is such a learned behavior that takes a lot of practice. So like if you happen to be feeling in the pit today or hitting your wall, and you're like, oh, my gosh, I can't do anything with this. Like, that day that I left and wandered around the mall, I ended my day going to 12 Step meeting. And that is really the place where I learned how to do this. Well, not in particular that night, but just over the 13 years that I've been in the program, like I walked in the room that night, and everybody knew something was wrong. And nobody said, Oh, you poor thing. Like, oh, you know, there wasn't this like exuberance of like, Oh, you shouldn't? Or oh my gosh, what's wrong, it was a place where I just got to sit and be whatever I was being at the time, and receive the support of just being in the room with other people. I mean, I was living in Hampton Roads at the time. So there were lots of like, former Navy folks in there who like I walked in, they knew Matthew was deployed, and they were like, oh, it's been a rough day. Oh, it's been a rough week, and just let me sit with it. But I mean, that's a learned behavior. And I learned it like in those rooms, because they forced you to be comfortable with your uncomfortable story. But it is one of the things I'm most grateful for having been a military spouse now for 12 years is like, I had a place where I got to practice all of that when military life got hard. You know, I knew I at least had the tools to draw from not that I always use them, but like I at least had that like toolbox to go, oh, yeah, there are people out there that will like sit with you and uncomfortableness, oh, there are people that can like meet this need or that need or, you know, just send you a text saying, hey, thinking about you, or whatever it is.

: 12:39

Yeah, word. Yeah, well, this is about asking for help. And I think what gets complicated and a little bit blurry is that when we male spouse, entrepreneurs are building a business, to support other military spouses, when we ourselves are going through a hard time, like a really hard time, it then becomes even more difficult to show up for our people for our audience. And that's also a lot of pressure that we're essentially putting on ourselves of like, you need to show up, you need to be consistent. But I think it's important to remember that if you're hearing this, and you're also in that situation, maybe it's not related to deployment, maybe it's related to another really difficult aspect of military life, whether that's PCs, or something else, I think it's important to remember that like asking for support from another military spouse, or someone else inside of this community does not mean that you are failing to support your own community, it just means that you are enacting the same set of advice that you would give a military spouse as well. It's not a reflection of you not having it together or have you not being strong enough. It's the opposite of that. It's using your strength to say, I still want to support y'all. And I need my own level of support. And I think that's where I'm at right now. Because even though I just eloquently described that, I still don't 100% believe it, I just need to keep saying it over and over again, and remembering and reminding myself of it. So that when these really hard days come, I know where to go. I know where to turn. And I know that it's okay for me to do that.

Jen Amos: 14:20

Yeah, for sure. And I mean, just two thoughts. Like first and foremost, you know, genealogist thank you for sharing the mall story with us, because I think that's the first time you shared it on the show. And I know that you're always transparent about your life with us. But I know that you have to get to a place to be able to share that to be transparent with that, you know, so I just want to continue to thank you and acknowledge you for just, you know, being as open as you are on the show. And you know, Jayla Ray again, just thank you for being with us and being in the trenches right now. And it's true, it's like just because you create this community for other people. And we were saying this in our last conversation, like you know, that you built a healthy community. If what you're giving out like you get it back in return, you know, that's reciprocal, right? It's not just you being self sacrificing and being like, Oh, this is for you all, you know, like, you do have to get that back in return. And so I think it's great that you're kind of in this space right now. And even if you don't feel it, and you don't believe it, you know, like, logically, you got to kind of train yourself to get to that space to feel like you can, you know, ask for help. You know, speaking of which, you know, during this time, while you've been in the trenches, jailer, Ray, you have been inspired to start a podcast. So your podcast show is called the heart of the mill spouse. Tell us a little bit about it, and sort of what compelled you to start the show? Yeah,

: 15:30

thank you. I've been wanting to start a podcast for a couple years now, even before I became an entrepreneur who was centering my work on supporting military spouses. Even before that, I was like, I want to do a podcast, I just don't know what to do it about. And in this case, I just decided that I was going to start with a deployment series. And I wanted to chronicle the entire deployment journey, because what Jen said at the beginning of the conversation, was that there is a lot of, in hindsight advice out there, that could be helpful. But I haven't seen a lot of chronicling the entire thing to help you through the really tough moments when other people are in those tough moments, too. So the podcast sort of started as a creative pursuit in the month before he deployed. And it really kept me grounded a little bit more, because I had something creative that I was using as an outlet. And since then, since it has released now I, of course plan to do other series. I am a mentor, like within the personal development space. So that's what the podcast will aim at eventually. But for right now, I'm just kind of chronicling the journey, and engaging with those who are currently experiencing deployment as well, or no, that one is coming up and would like additional support at this time.

Jen Amos: 16:52

So you know, what I think would be really cool is that like, and this is how I often feel when I really listened to old podcast shows that I've done is like, it's one thing to experience and actually do the show, but then to re listen to it again, and be like, wow, like you could really feel how you were you know what you're going through at that time. It's like reading like an old journal entry. And maybe at the time, you didn't know exactly what you're writing. But when you look back, you're like, man, I was really going through a hard time. At that time. I think one it's like therapeutic for you to just unload on your own show. And then to eventually come back and you know, one, like reflect, but to use that as lessons that you can share to other spouses that you want to help.

: 17:27

Yeah, and I think there have been a couple episodes where it is literally just me unloading telling a story. Hopefully, people find a nugget of wisdom in there. I may not like express that. And then there are other episodes where I do have like very practical tips like this is what I incorporated this month or this week during deployment that really supported me and it might support you too. Or you can just throw it away, because it doesn't help and you'll try something else. You know, there's never a pressure of you have to do what I say. But yeah, so it's been quite the experience to kind of chronicle everything. And as a writer to do a different type of chronicling has been really fun to just talk into a microphone and film, or record an episode versus trying to write all of us out. I think it'll help me later to then you know, get those transcriptions and then turn this into a piece of written content as well, which was really I don't know if anyone needs that tip. But yeah,

Jen Amos: 18:27

I mean, there's definitely a lot of podcasters who recreate their content into a book, you know, like Tim Ferriss is a big example of that. Like, he just took all of his shows, and everyone he's interviewed and put all those tips in the book. And so I definitely, you know, can see that and that's definitely something that I, you know, I intend on doing as well in my own way.

: 18:45

Oh, man, you were talking about like, free reading your journal and going oh, yeah, like, you guys saw me make a face our listeners see me make face. But like, I mean, I have been actively working on telling my story of dealing with like our post, back to back deployment family life for a couple of years now. And during the time when I was working on it the most one of the things I did was go back and read my journals because I journaled on. That was the only place I had an outlet. We were living in an area where we were one of one military families. And so there wasn't anybody else like next door down the street that I could go, Hey, life in my house sucks. And so I wrote it all down. And I went back and read those and thought, oh my gosh, like that. One. It verified the hard that I thought was there. Also it was a little bit harder to read that I imagined and I really like I had to make sure when I was doing that to like, really make sure I had something in place for the real like it was not something I could do for eight hours. Today is like my writing day because it was very intense. But it was also really good because I got to go and you're not there today, like, and you don't live in this space anymore. And to see like the growth, not only myself, but in my family and my marriage as a whole, like, that has been extraordinarily helpful. In addition to making the face, I also chuckled a little bit because I've had this real push pull as a writer of like, well, now I have a real job that, you know, a real job that, that pays me to do things for them. And I do this podcast, and you know, I write articles here and there like freelance. And so I haven't written on my own story, gosh, probably almost two years, because I've been doing all these other things. And for a while I wrestled with, like, feeling a little bit like, what like, what were you doing? Like, why did you think it was so important to now have it on the back burner? And I came to realize, like, well, this show is one of the ways that I do that. It's funny, I had a mentor that was like, don't be like, get on a microphone every week and talk to other military spouses about your story and lay and I was like, I mean, yeah, do and she was like, so are you doing what you thought? Like, does it look the way that you thought it was going to when you were gonna put it all out in written word? And I was like, Well, no, she's like, but are you still doing the thing that you were passionate about doing? And I was like, Oh, 100%, and in a way that I never envisioned, I mean, I'm older than both of you on this show. And so like, just my generation thing, like, you know, I got a cell phone, that set stayed in my car. But when I got my first cell phone, like, you know, so to think that written word isn't the only way that I get to do something that I love very deeply, which is being, you know, wholly myself with, with my people, like, has been really fun.

Jen Amos: 22:00

Yeah, I think it's important to like, you know, just kind of know, like to have that intention of like, I want to be with my people, and I want to share my story. And the way it manifests is not always going to be through the medium, you're thinking like, you know, I used to journal all the time, up until, you know, these recent years, I started podcasts, and I was like, this is a lot easier, you know, to just unload. Now, I

: 22:20

love hearing loss perspectives, thank you so much for sharing, because I'm one of those writers who've been inactive with writing for so long have a degree in writing. And yet, I haven't really been doing anything in that area for so long. And I didn't fully connect that this podcast was a starting ground for me again, until I was maybe midway through like, recording some episodes and everything, and just now in this conversation. So I'm really excited. Yeah, I'm really excited to look back on that time. And the writing that I've always done, has aimed to capture, like, the raw emotions that are currently happening at the time, and then kind of looking back with a different lens, and, you know, doing a different interpretation, essentially. So I do think that there's potential for that later, once the deployment is over. And going back on those tougher episodes, those tougher times, and like you said, Jennylyn, realizing like you're not there anymore, this is amazing that you did this, you got through this as a way to kind of build some competence. And then also just to, I don't know, bragging rights a little bit to like, hey, yeah, prove it. Like, I don't know if you know how hard it was, but it is, I did it. You're welcome.

Jen Amos: 23:35

I think having written content, or however you document this journey, it's its own reward to know that, like, you went through that experience, like you may not get like an actual trophy out of this whole thing. But you're like, I was there. I documented it. That was me. Like, that's who I was at that time. And this is just

: 23:52

as creative. Well, that's sometimes all we get is like we did we documented we did it we did it properly, properly. You know? We, it is it's a sense of accomplishment. It's chronicling a journey that, you know, in this case, it's only a year long, but it feels feels like five. So

Jen Amos: 24:17

yeah, for sure. Well, I want to go ahead, and I'm sure you mentioned this in your work, but you're the first person to identify as a late career spouse on our show. And I actually think that this is quite common, as we sort of talked about offline, and yet it's not really talked about, and I'm sure for a number of reasons. So for our listeners, explain to us what it means for you to be a late career spouse. Yeah, so

: 24:40

being a late career male spouse is kind of like a microcosm of different definitions. I think first, it's that you met your spouse later in your own life. And then you also met your spouse later in their career. So there were certain experiences or like Cornerstone military moments that you essentially missed. This also means like one of those microcosms is that you're probably not their first marriage either. And so now it's an additional marriage under their belt, as well as stepchildren are often in the mix. So a lot of the late career male spouses that I find are similar to me in that way. I met my husband later in my 20s. And I was on my own career track, I was about to go really well. I was then taken off track, which is a common male spouse theme, obviously. But I did have like a certain level of like education, too, that could probably factor into the definition of being a late career male spouse, like I just finished my master's degree, for example, like that. So yeah, there's a lot that goes into that. But I think what's so interesting is that when I became a spouse, I was sort of grouped in with new military spouses. But I also was nowhere near their age and nowhere near the life experiences that they were having and that I was having. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's just there was a difference between the two. So I really tried to spend a lot of time finding those other late career male spouses, and it's not about like slapping that label on them. It's sort of a validation path. It's sort of saying like, well, this is why those instances were really difficult for you. This is why you had such a large learning curve when you entered military life. So I found it to be really helpful. So if you're out there listening, and any one of those three things sounds like you, you're probably a late career male spouse.

Jen Amos: 26:41

Yeah, you know, that actually reminds me of a recent interview we did mandolin, who's been a guest on our show twice now. Yeah. Okay. We all know the utilitarian spouse also names what's not? Exactly There we go, just this whole theme of two. Now I want to names. If anything, based on how you described it, I would consider her spouse because you know, yeah, exactly. And so I want to ask Jenny Lynn, because you know, you and Matthew, really kind of came into the military space a little late, quote, unquote, according to the way you guys started. Describe it. So I want to see if you had any thoughts on this. Yeah. I

: 27:13

mean, it's interesting. I know, you guys saw me shaking my head, like, I can totally relate. And also, I've been with Matthew since his very first duty station. And there's a part of me, that feels awkward saying, I've been with him his whole career, because I didn't do boot camp in a school with him. Like, and then there's a part of me that's like, Yeah, but he was really a sailor, like when he got to his first duty station, we've been together since a month into his first duty station. At the same time. We were old. Like, by military standards, we were old. I mean, he joined at 24. We met at 25. We got married at 26. And then he transferred from enlisted to Officer which put us in a whole different weird age bracket, because we were grouped with the young, like, baby oh ones. And we were 30. Like, and had children and all the other ones were like, Let's go get a beer and Matthews. Like, I got a toddler at home. Like, yeah, sorry. You know, and

Unknown Speaker: 28:16

right now, like,

: 28:18

we've always been that weird, like, we're too young, in rank to, like, hang out with our peers of age, but we're too old and yours to like, hang out with, with people of his rank. And so it's always been a, especially for him. I mean, I will say that, thankfully, as a spouse, it tends to be much easier for me to navigate because I'm very grateful that my spouse experience has not been one where people cared what my husband did, or what rank he was, they were just my friends, regardless of whom whatever rank everybody was. And as more and more we do this show, I realized how lucky I am to have that as part of my story. But, you know, we have always been in that awkward like for too old for this for too young for that, you know, throw in like 13 years of recovery and some good mental health and like, we're just a mix nobody.

: 29:13

Anyway, and I don't even know if I would really classify you as a late career male spouse, You're something else, you're you're on a whole other planet, we should figure out what planet that is. Because there's some overlaps for sure. And it does sound very similar, especially in terms of like your guys's age bracket, like he was joining very late. You were already in your mid 20s. You got married in your mid 20s. And as we all know, like most military couples marry very young and like move up in the ranks with their partner. But yeah, I met my husband. He was oh four like he was Major. Like he was officer status for quite some time. And I had no idea what that meant. So when people would ask me like, oh, what's his rank? What does he do? I sounded so stupid. Like, it's so, so stupid. I can't I look back on those conversations and I cringe because I'm like, wow, I really didn't have it together. But it wasn't his military career that was like attractive to me. It was like him, the human the person. So yeah, it was a really gigantic learning curve. And I've heard bits and pieces of your story genuine. And that was also a huge learning curve, because it was just so much later in life.

Jen Amos: 30:27

Yeah. Well, if it makes you feel any better Jayla Ray, I met my husband after he served like, well after he served, and it was just so funny how everyone was like, Okay, what did you do? What was his rank? I was like, I don't know, ask him like, I didn't

: 30:40

marry him for his rank and the way he served and yada yada yada. You know, question is,

: 30:45

like an embedded assumption that like you did that, like, that's why you're together. And I was like, No, I almost didn't date him. Because I found out he was in the military. It's the opposite. Like, he gave me all of like, the red flags. It was like, I work for the government. I'm like, What do you really do? I'm okay. I'm like, he's like, I'm divorced. I have children, like, all this stuff that you're either okay with or you're not okay with and I almost walked away. I was almost like, Nope, I'm not dating anyone in the military ever again, I'm not doing this. Because I had before very briefly, I was like, this isn't for me. I don't want to be a male spouse, basically. And then I met him and it was all over. Here I am. There you are.

: 31:31

Very similar, like story on that on all the red flags and yet still said yes. For reasons passing understanding, oh, gosh,

: 31:37

it was all heart LED. I don't know what there was. Because the mind was just not as powerful because like, my mind was told me like, these are very logical reasons to say no to somebody, but I mean, what can I say he was the love of my life. I knew it instantly was like this. This feels right. I don't know what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. But we'll figure it out.

Jen Amos: 31:59

Well, you know, I think that always reminds me like situations like that, where it seems like you have it all. Like, logically, it makes sense to not do certain things. And yet your heart tells you to do whatever anyway. And I've learned to believe that any decision is logical and emotional, you know, you can't discount the other. And so I think that, despite all the logic, like Yeah, your heart still wanted to make that decision. And so you know, here you are today, as a male spouse, mentor, helping fellow military spouses navigate this life, with everything that you're going through, and, and even being in the trenches and starting this podcast show. What are some things you want to share with our fellow military spouses today? As well as maybe some call to actions that you want to give them?

: 32:39

Yeah, so I think we summed this up beautifully in our earlier conversation that if you are in a situation of deployment and feeling as though you can't reach out to somebody, it might be because it's not actually the right person to reach out to So figure out like, who is on your level to have those kinds of those tougher conversations with them. I do have lots of places that you can find me online. And I will say that, like, I am very consistent in my DMs because people will reach out and say, Hey, I'm a late career male spouse as well or like I'm about to become a step mom, or, and those kinds of conversations seriously, lighten me up. So even if you start with like, your whole, I don't know your whole journey, and you give it to me in a DM like we're gonna find stuff to talk about. So you can always do that over on Instagram at mil dot spouse, and you can check out my website at Jayla re.com. And then I do you have a deployment Support Kit. And it's not like we talked about it's not from the lens of I completed the deployment. Here's what I learned. It's more of support in those the time before they're leaving, and soon after they have left and what you can do to really support yourself through that time. So you can find that at Jayla rei.com, forward slash deployment kit. And I'm sure Jen and Jenny Lynn will kind of put this in the show notes too. So you don't have to remember this.

Jen Amos: 34:06

Yes, you're welcome. I work really hard on those show notes. By the way, people should know, they're gonna

: 34:11

do a really great job of putting this in the show notes. Jalen is gonna look at them when they come out.

Jen Amos: 34:16

Here. I appreciate you Jayla Ray for you know, sharing all of that. And, you know, again, I imagine this must be like kind of a cathartic experience to like, not just live it, but even create content for it. And it's like, Hey, this is the real deal. Like I am giving this to you all, because like, this is what I'm experiencing right now. And if it's helping me, hopefully, it can help you as well. So I'm also just continuously inspired by members of our military community who continue to create through the mess of this military life like I think that's why I continue to come back and serve and do what I do here on the podcast, because it's like, it teaches me that if I'm going through something tough, one of the ways of working through it is to create something, you know, one for myself and then to to share with the world and, and so thank you, you No jewelry for being an example of that. And, you know, that's it. That's really all I want to say. I was gonna like give words of encouragement, but really, it's more of me just expressing admiration for you and your resiliency. So kudos.

: 35:12

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. And that means a lot coming from you guys. So thank you. Yeah,

: 35:18

I just really, really love this conversation. It was an excellent way to close out recording on a Tuesday. Thank you so much for showing up authentically and vulnerably yourself.

: 35:29

Thank you for having me in this state. No one can see me on camera, but it's not looking good. Let's

Jen Amos: 35:34

just put it that. Well, I was telling Jayla re offline that her hair looks great like she has like this awesome way like way her hair is like messy but she tied up in the way that I think is cute. So anyway, I just wanted that to be on record.

: 35:47

I'm so glad that's on record. I'm so glad you see it that way because I definitely don't see it that way. I see it as like, oh, dear Lord, do you need to shower like what is going on? You just need to make it happen.

Jen Amos: 36:01

Yeah, making jewelry we generate we are reading for you. Thank you again so much for joining us. And then to our listeners. Thank you all so much for listening. We hope you enjoy today's conversation. Obviously you can get a hold of Jayla re by checking out the show notes of this episode. And all that being said we'll chat with you in the next episode. Till next time