033: "Connection is key." Mental health and being a new military spouse with Tesa Saulmon

Jen Amos 0:00

Welcome to holding down the fort, a podcast show dedicated to curating knowledge, resources and relevant stories. So military spouses can continue to make confident and informed decisions for their families. Because let's face it, we know who's really holding down the fort. I'm Jen amis, a Goldstar, daughter of veterans, spouse, and your host for today's show. Let's get started.

Hey, everyone, welcome back. I hope that you all are continuing to stay safe, healthy and responsible during this COVID 19 pandemic. I'm excited to introduce you all to another incredible person in our military community. Before I do, I have a couple of announcements. First and foremost, this interview has a couple of moments where it's a bit staticky, but you can still hear the message just the same. And if you need some parts to be clarified, then all the more reason to reach out to our guest. Secondly, holding down the floor is brought to you by us vet wealth. While most financial advisors help you plan for retirement, we help you plan for who you want to become. You can learn more about us at us@wealth.com. Or you can check out the episodes two, three and four of season two here at holding down the fort. To learn more about us specifically, my husband and I. Next thing is that during this time, a lot of us are home. I mean, although that's nothing new for military families. Either way, a lot of us are really hungry for community. And so that's why us buttweld we are offering free action classes, where you'll get a chance to network with like minded professionals, and learn actionable lessons you can implement right away or not, you could just hang out to every week we learned from bestselling authors covering topics regarding identity, self development, and financial control. A couple of books that we may be covering are the Four Agreements, start with why the new social learning principles and many more. Once again, you can learn more about our company and our action classes at US vet wealth.com. Last but not least, I just want to do one more shameless plug, actually for my husband, Scott, our Tucker, who has recently released a podcast show himself and so if you are looking to get another perspective from the military community, check out wealth and liberty. Please enjoy this teaser.

Speaker 1 2:35

We've been told this story that if you check all the boxes, if you do all these great things, then you will be happy. But why do so many of us still feel unfulfilled? Welcome to wealth and liberty, where we give you the education tools and solutions to go from feeling unrewarded to becoming autonomous with three simple concepts to guide us identity, self development, and financial control.

Jen Amos 3:13

And there you have it. Thank you again for taking a minute to listen to my announcements. As a reminder, some parts of this interview may be a bit staticky. So I want to thank you in advance for understanding and for your grace and forgiveness. Enjoy

all right, hi everyone. Jen amo is here with holding down the fort podcast. And I'm excited because every time I get to do a show, it means that I get to interview another incredible person in our community. So I want to introduce you all to taste a Solman, TISA Solman is originally from California, her and her husband currently called Florida their home. That is until they get orders to their next adventure. Her husband is active duty Navy, currently in flight school, and she's a graduate student for clinical mental health counseling. Teresa has a mental, physical and spiritual health blog at tasered sama.com. She's also on Instagram and Facebook AT T Salman and is currently working on producing a podcast late summer, early fall, TISA Welcome to the show. Hey,

Unknown Speaker 4:19

thank you for having me. Oh, it's my

Jen Amos 4:21

absolute pleasure. And as we were talking offline, I was just saying that I am always enamored by people in the mental health field because that was something I wanted to pursue early on when I was in college. And when I got my first F in my life in psychology, psychology one on one of all classes, I was deeply discouraged. But since then, I've always just been drawn to people who are in it, you know, who are actually studying it or are actually in the field and so I'm just excited to be connecting with you today. And I have personally enjoyed following your Instagram stories because you always share very inspiring information regarding mental health. So when I started following you, I was like, reshoring a lot of your stuff because I was like, Oh my gosh, this is good. That's good. That's good.

Speaker 2 5:11

But yeah, thank you so much for that. And I'm so happy that you think so because I always like, I'm like, I hope this just reaches one person that really needs to hear it today, or it affects them. Because usually the stuff that I post, it's really like, for me, like, that's what I need to hear today. So, um, makes me like, really happy to hear that it helps somebody else

Jen Amos 5:33

too. Yeah, and I love that you say that, because I think social media, there's people look at it in so many different ways. I'd like to believe that with COVID-19 right now, it's really a place of solace for a lot of people to stay connected. But you know, there have been many arguments about people really just using social media for vanity. But for us, we can use it as a way of self healing, or affirmations or reminders. And I love how you say that it's really for me, but if it helps, if it reaches even just one person, like, that's really awesome, as well. And that's actually how I've learned to look at social media as well. It's like, it's really for me. And if it does help someone that is really cool.

Speaker 2 6:12

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And I think that's how at least well, I follow, like a lot of mental health stuff. But I think a lot of people use it the same way. For the most part, I have follow another mental health counselor, she's licensed and she struggles a lot with being grounded and anxiety. And a lot of her stuff is this kind of like her diary, but it helps me so much. So I think being able to share that story is incredible.

Jen Amos 6:43

Yeah, I agree with you, I follow a lot of mental health accounts as well. And it's interesting because like, you know, it's one thing to put yourself out there. But when we realize that, one, you're really doing it for yourself, and then to even if it reaches other people, people look at your social media account as almost like a mirror for themselves. You know. So I think that's like, the beauty of being really authentic about your story online is that if you're very authentic, if you're publicly self healing, in a way, it doesn't just help you. But I mean, to me, at least it helps other people, whether they realize it or not. And there's definitely a lot of those accounts I like to follow, where it's like, oh, my gosh, they're speaking to me, they're speaking to me. And you know, as you come to find, just like what you said, you know, a lot of these people use these accounts really just for themselves. So I feel like I'm talking to circles. But I love that, you know, when people take care of themselves, they unknowingly take care of other people as well. And social media is a really good example of that, like the accounts we just talked about.

Speaker 2 7:38

Yeah. And I love what you said about social media being a mirror, because that's totally me. Like when I look at, you know, stuff on Instagram and stuff, I totally use it as a mirror. So I love that, am I borrow that from you? And

Jen Amos 7:55

yes, social media is a Marielle. I mean, it is because you have to think about what you're curating. You have to think about what you're following. If you don't curate your feed, I feel like we're just having this whole mental health talk about social media right now. Like, it's like, if you don't intentionally curate your feed, then you're naturally going to see negative images, you're naturally going to like, you know, compare yourself to other people, you know, etc, etc. And I think that's actually a good lesson for life as well. Like, I think if you're not intentionally surrounding yourself, with people that uplift you, you're naturally going to, you know, you're automatically going to surround yourself with people that bring you down. And so it's really a good lesson. You know, it's kinda like, Hey, show me your social media feed, and I'll tell you who you are. It's like, let me see who you're following. And like, if you're constantly following, like, your ex spouse, you know, that tells me a lot about you, you know, that tells me that you're trying to like, what do you call it, like, rate, your level of success based off of whatever they're lacking? Now that you're not in their life? You know, it's like, why would you do that to yourself? Like, we're not I'm not that I have, like, an X or anything right now. But it's like, that's what I think about, you know, or if you're complaining about someone that you don't like, and you're following them all the time. It's like, if you want to stop complaining about them, follow someone else, you know, don't put yourself in that self imposed prison. Right?

Speaker 2 9:15

Yeah. And that's like, the benefit of social media is you get to pick and choose who you follow. So I mean, if you are not liking somebody's message, I mean, it's just so easy. So you really get to, just like you said, cultivate what you're exposed to based on social media. Yeah, absolutely.

Jen Amos 9:33

Let's go ahead and dive into our questions, Theresa. Yeah. Let's start with like, how did you hear about holding down the fort? And what inspired you to jump on and share your story today?

Speaker 2 9:45

Yeah, so we met at pod fest, and I'm so happy that we met because that's where I heard about holding down the fort and I was able to listen to episodes driving home and so I was really excited to Uh, be a guest on the show because I am a new military spouse. So I think that like you are a male spouse, but there's so many different types. There's new versus seasoned. And then you have male spouses that didn't marry their veteran until after they retired. And so they're in so many different levels in their life. And I've really liked to hear all those different stories. Because when Dustin first went to OCS, I was never exposed to a military lifestyle. My grandpa served in the Navy, but I didn't have a close relationship with Him. And so I didn't really know what to expect. And the way our story went, it was like very quick. So he applied to go into OCS and go into flight school. And it was literally a week and they're saying, Okay, so today's Monday, you're leaving on Sunday, and we were getting married on Thursday. Whoa. So it was really like, okay, so quit your job, my husband, not me, I had to take time off work, get everything settled, as far as the house and him leaving, we get married Thursday, he swore in on Friday, he left Saturday. And so like, if anything really processed of him being away, you know, for three, four months. And this was also during the holidays. So right before Thanksgiving, so he's, you know, gone during a lot of the time and we were just married. So it was, it was interesting, I didn't really know where to turn to or where to get information about him and being in OCS. And without having any communication with him. Because he literally got there, you know, they take everything from you, you can't have communication, but for like five minutes on a Sunday, and he doesn't want to talk about OCS. He wants to talk about everything that's going on with me. So I was really thankful on Facebook to find a group of spouses that were had husbands in OCS. And they were like, in his class. And then there was another group for a class above him. And that was like my first exposure to the community of being a military spouse. Oh,

Jen Amos: 12:27

beautiful. So just to recap, it's like you had a very memorable week, you got married, he got sworn in, he took off.

Unknown Speaker: 12:36

That's exactly how it went.

Jen Amos: 12:39

The next week, you're like, what just happened? Like, married? Where did my husband go? Went up into our honeymoon, you know, just all of a sudden, you just got thrusted into this life. And I love how you said that, essentially, you know, military spouses really come from all walks of life. And they come at different stages in time. And some of them are new, some of them are engaged. Some of them are still dating, some of them are career military, or some of them are a veteran spouse, like myself, who met, you know, my husband after his service. And it's interesting, because when I first started the show, I was a little self conscious about starting it because I thought, hmm, like, I really want to connect with active duty military spouses, but like, I've never been one, you know, like I was, I wasn't Goldstar daughter, I was I was a military child. But I just I can't relate in that way. And so for some time, I actually had this imposter syndrome of doing the shows, like, do I really want to do a show. And then, and then I've come to find that, you know, just like we're talking about, like, there's so many different types of military spouses. And like, for me doing the show really validated who I am and where my place is, in the military community. And I have also found that some people who listen to our show, like they're new in the military spouse, like they just got married, or they just got engaged, or there's, they're dating someone with, you know, with the expectation that they'll probably get married, or they're just dating someone. And it's just really cool to have so many people almost in the last year, just come and share their story and their experiences and what they've learned. And really just reassuring anyone affiliated in the military that you're meant to be here and what you're going through is not unique. And there's a community for you. And hopefully, at least one of these episodes on the show crossing fingers, you know, resonates you, resonates you and makes you feel a little more connected and grounded with your current season in life, like we mentioned, whether you're new, whether you're in it already, or whether you got out. So thanks for sharing that and for joining the show today. So Theresa, I know I mentioned this a little bit in your bio, but I thought this is a very relevant question to ask considering how we are going through a pandemic right now. But for people that are getting to know you for the first time, why don't you share a snapshot of your life today, particularly what keeps you excited and busy about with life nowadays?

: 14:56

Yes. So I'm currently in a Graduate Program for clinical mental health counseling. And I'm absolutely loving it. My undergrad is also in psychology. But this is like more hands on. I think we learned like all the fundamentals in undergrad, but now we're like getting really into it. And then I also have a blog for mental, spiritual, and physical health. And I think all three of those are so important in life. And they really ground you as a person. And so and then I'm getting ready to do a podcast, which should be airing this fall, which I'm really excited about, because we get to just interview people who have experienced it experts, people that have some background knowledge, just to get different messages out there that wouldn't necessarily be spoken about otherwise.

Jen Amos: 15:53

I think that's super awesome. And as I mentioned earlier, I'm quite enamored by people in the mental health field. And I really like to just pry and ask a lot of questions. So I think my initial question for you Tisa, in where you currently are in life right now is what inspired you, or what led you to want to get into clinical mental health counseling?

: 16:14

Yeah, so I have experienced myself with depression and anxiety coming from a really young age, there was a lot of trauma in my young life, and then going on, as a young adult, all that trauma kinda came up, and I didn't know how to handle it. And so I went to therapy. And I was amazed at just how much I learned, but how the therapist was kind of like an artist because they being able to listen to somebody, and then catch all these little things that may be so minut to the person, but it's actually huge. And bring that to light to be able to help somebody in like the most significant way. I was like, you know, that was beautiful to me. And I was like, that's something that I want to do. And one of my biggest things is, I know that all the pain in my past didn't happen for absolutely no reason. And I came to believe that that reason was to help others and to be able to use my experience to be able to relate to others and empathize, but also just to help them through their journey. And so that all happened probably within like in my early 20s. realizing, you know, this is what I'm here for and realizing that helped me have like a purpose in life. Well,

Jen Amos: 17:55

thanks for sharing that. Teresa. First of all, really talking about how you have experienced depression and anxiety, and how you experience trauma at a young age, I can completely relate with the whole, like all that trauma coming up in your young adult years. I know for me, when I had lost my dad, my dad was active duty service when we lost him. And it was always this big question mark of like, what happened to him? Like, how did we lose him? Like, we don't know what's happened, even till this day. I mean, we're gathering information now because my sister is interested in learning my dad's story, but will still never like 100% know exactly what happened to him. So you know, that leaves a girl with abandonment issues. Okay.

: 18:36

So it was interesting, because like, I think from 18, to like my young 20s, I just found myself in a lot of unhealthy, romantic relationships where it was kind of like, I'm going to leave you before you leave me, or I'm going to stay with you just because like, even though this is not the best kind of love, I deserve, like you're not going anywhere. And so I had like those types of relationships. And when I realized what happened when I was very fortunate to get help. And even till this day, I get help, like, I once I got comfortable getting help. It's like, once I got comfortable getting help, I was like, you know, I should keep doing this. It's like going to the gym like this is like, I just gotta keep doing this because even a year ago, I was diagnosed almost a year ago, I was diagnosed with mild depression. And when I was able to identify the symptoms, at first I was in denial, but then when I started to see I was like, Oh my gosh, I've had this since I lost my dad and like that's why I was so sad all the time. And and like like I just had this cloud over my head. Most of the time. I never knew how to describe it. I just thought like, my life was an uphill battle, you know? Yeah. And so I just appreciate you sharing all that and like, that's what I love about mental health. And I think even seeking out therapy is just exactly what you said. I've never heard anyone describe this before. Like a therapist is like an artist. And that is so beautiful and poetic to me because it's so true. Like they listen to you And they point out the things that you didn't even realize were significant. And in addition to that, I love that that had inspired you to, you know, pursue this field and give back in that way. And so yeah, so thank you for sharing that and doing what you do, because I think it's so needed. And I think a lot of us, in general tend to underestimate how much our upbringing had impacted us. And to just bring light to that and let people know, like, you're okay, like, you know, a lot of the things that happened to you, when you were young, it's not your fault. And you can start to forgive yourself, and, you know, really grow from there and figure out what you're really meant to do. Now that you've learned to, you know, let go of that baggage or use it for good. So,

: 20:43

yeah, I think that with being able to be self aware on once you get through the phase of going through it, and then getting through it, I completely agree that you learn to forgive yourself. And I think that's one of the most important things. Because if you skip that step, it can be really hard.

Jen Amos: 21:06

Well, Teresa, thank you for sharing with us a little bit about where you are in life today, and why you are where you are today. So what that said, with what you're currently studying, and what you're currently doing, I'm curious to know, how is what you're doing, you know, in studying clinical mental health counseling, helping you as a military spouse today.

: 21:25

Yeah, so there's so many ways that it's been helping me as a military spouse, I think the biggest thing is going through the struggles that I've experienced so far, and I'm sure there's going to be a lot more struggle in the future when we go through our first deployment and things like that. But even with Dustin being away for training. At first, I was in shock. But then I was, there was like a bit of loneliness that set in. And I think the Facebook group really helped me connect, and I'm so thankful for that. But just to remind myself to connect along the way, then he came back from training. And we're living in Pensacola, Florida, which this is where we lived before he joined. And so I didn't really experience PCs, like like it normally would happen. And so I didn't feel the need to connect to other military spouses right away. And in the middle of that, I kind of realized, like, okay, there was a little bit of fear of when I move, you know, this is really going to hit me, because since it hasn't hit me yet, and I haven't gone through it yet, when I do move, you're going to experience a lot more loneliness, with less connections, less friends. So with everything that I'm learning in graduate school, it's really kind of taking myself into, it's kind of like a battle in my head, like, part of me is like a therapist, and part of me is like a client, or you really need to, you know, be inspirational and inspire yourself. But it all comes down to really helping myself take that leap forward to make friends and connections within the military spouse community. And I think that's one of the biggest things that I've learned through being in graduate school and going through this as a military spouse. And I would say, that is towards all military spouses, because I didn't have social media for three years. And I actually didn't get social media until Dustin left because I wanted to be a part of this Facebook group. And so a part of me kind of thinks this is kind of like going off topic here. But a part of me thinks like how many military spouses I mean, maybe I'm just really like different and I didn't have social media for three years, but you know, don't have that connection where they can connect online and how many military spouses are feeling alone for not having friends, because they just uprooted their life and left. And so I know that's kind of like a thought that's out there that I guess just connection. Connection is key for, for me in the combination of mental health and being a male spouse.

Jen Amos: 24:31

Yeah, absolutely. And I think there's one thing that we should all admire about military spouses and military families, in general is just their resolve and their initiative to build community because eventually like some people can pull it off. Some people can just be okay with being alone. Or some people are willing to sit with those feelings of loneliness for some time, but I think there eventually comes a point where like, Okay, I can't keep doing this. This is like not healthy for me. I don't want to resent my spouse for being gone so long, I need something I feel like you studying, like being in school right now is really giving you the tools to really thrive as a new military spouse. And I think at the end of the day, I was reading this book called the upward spiral by Alex Korb. And he talks about, he really gets into the science of depression, you know, I'm not an expert in any way, I'm just reciting what this book told me. And because like, last year, I was just I was just trying to understand like, how to why work through my depression, because I don't want to take, I don't want to take prescriptions, you know, like, I don't, I don't want to do that yet. And in the book, it talks about the importance of like, the way to decrease depression, or the way to work through it is to build community. And, you know, I think for the average American, especially if you were born and raised in the same community, you already know what community is like so much that when you turn 18, you just want to get out of town, and you know, go somewhere else for school as far away as possible, and find a new identity out of that. But for military families, it's like you constantly have to start over. And so the beauty of I think, today, at least what you know, with having social media, like we can have that sense of community, and I think it's so needed, and loneliness, isolation and a lack of purpose, I think is very common in the military community amongst military spouses and families. Because even for myself, like as a kid, like, I mean, not that I needed to have a purpose or anything, but I was very heartbroken. Every time I had to make new friends to the point where when we finally settled somewhere, like in San Diego, like I was just not about it, I was like, I'm just gonna wait for whoever comes to me. And if they want to be my friend, they're my friend. But I was just, I was just so just, I don't know, I just became desensitized. It became indifferent, I think, to wanting to build community. And really, you know, fast forward 20 years later, I'm just so hungry for it. And I think that's part of why I love connecting with military spouses, because I just, it's like, I know your struggle, like I feel you

: 27:05

with your struggle. So yeah, I think that's a really good point about building community. And I love that even though you weren't on social media, like that desire to have community inspired you to get to get on social media.

: 27:18

Yeah, and I love how you said that, like being hungry for community. And because that's exactly what it was, is. And I think that the military community is just so special in that way. Because it's unique. I mean, it's not every day that an American family gets uprooted every few years, and has to, you know, start over with their social life. And, and I think that with our spouse, leaving, I haven't experienced it, but I'm, like mentally preparing myself for a deployment. That does I mean, it can create a lack of purpose. And I think you're spot on with that. Because I've read a lot of, you know, military spouse magazine, and things like that, where that said, a lot of spouses are, you know, while I'm here, I'm taking care of the family holding down the fort. And what is my purpose, and I think that a lot ends up being is building a community to connect. And I think that's so strong, because I feel like I'm internally a really shy person, until I feel comfortable around somebody that I'm like this really bubbly, outgoing, you really can get me to shut up. I mean, I'm serious. I will talk for hours. But initially, I'm really shy. And so for me, it's like really important for my mental health to be more aggressive with myself and making connections. Like, I literally feel like I'm having like an out of body experience, like pushing me like go make friends go make. Because if I don't do that, then I know that I'll be in a depression, eventually. It's only a matter of time. Because I think just as humans, that's what we love to do, even if it's just a one on one talk or check in or we're just built that way.

Jen Amos: 29:30

Yeah, absolutely. I feel like the theme of this conversation is initiative. You know, I feel fortunate to be in a time where mental health is normalized. It's I mean, maybe it's just because I curated my feed that way, but I do feel like I do feel like people are more open about talking about what they're going through, you know, they're really treating, you know, their mental health as if it's, it's their physical health. Like I just recently learned through one of my girlfriends like I didn't No, this was a thing. But she has I forgot the name exactly. But she basically, like, always gets depressed before she starts before it's her time of the month, like the day before, or time of the month begins, like she gets depressed. And, and I was like, that's the thing, like, I mean, I know, I know that, like, some people are more hormonal, or some people are more emotional at their time of the month. But it's like, oh, I didn't know that was like, specifically a thing. And she, you know, fortunately, she was able to articulate that, you know, to her doctor, they were able to work accordingly, you know, and help her like, prescribe a certain birth control words, like, she can stay on top of that, and make sure she doesn't go through that type of depression. But I think it's so powerful to validate your feelings, because, first of all, people minimize feelings to begin with. But like, if you talk enough about your feelings, especially to even professionals, like the professionals will tell you, you know, I don't think this is just a feeling like, I think you might have something, I think you might actually have some level of depression. And so I just love that today, people are more comfortable talking about it. And I hope that having conversations like this, people feel more comfortable, and really normalized in their own lives to to just talk about it just to talk about how you feel.

: 31:06

Yeah, I completely agree, we definitely have come a huge way with that. And also, a different thing to look at is cultures. So you know, different cultures, like in our westernized, you know, way, it has become really open to talk about and normalized. But another thing to think about is that there's, you know, there's spouses that are from different places, and they might not be as open. And so I think that like, what I want to strive to do as a spouse, like when we get uprooted from Pensacola, where I've been for nine years is to like really connect, especially, but I want to connect to like the people who aren't connecting. I don't know how to go about that. I don't know how to engage in that or to find out who's not connecting. But I think that's like really important to me, because if I didn't have my background and my knowledge and my education, I could very well be the military spouse that doesn't connect at all and right, I just like I just like want to reach out to those people and like, hug them. Here hear, but yeah, maybe you can help me brainstorm and like, send me some stuff on ways to, to reach out to the people who aren't connecting. I don't know

Jen Amos: 32:35

how to do Yeah, I know what you mean. And maybe this is just like my own upbringing, but I tend to like, want to be friend, people were like, I know they need help, but they haven't said it yet. So. So I feel like you and I could probably brainstorm on that. And like ways to like, get in front of them. The trick, the trick I have found, you know, and I don't I don't know if anyone's like, I don't think I have friends that are like listening. And they're like, oh my gosh, Jen, you did that to me. Like how dare you? If that if that if any of my friends hear this episode, and they like realize my technique? Well, hey, we're friends, okay. Friends, because of it. Like, don't be mad. Don't be mad.

: 33:16

But I think what I find when, like, you know, because I appreciate you saying that and talking about like how other cultures may not, you know, maybe see mental health as a priority because my parents were from the Philippines and my dad immigrated here because he joined the Navy, and he brought my mom. And, you know, I feel like it's so weird, because the number one thing I I've always complained about my mom is that she like, lacks emotion. Like she she's just not an emotional person. Like I had to, like, seek out my emotional needs, you know, elsewhere. Eventually, when I figured out my mom's never going to be that person for me. But like, at the same time, I am so grateful that my mom just always had that personality. Because when we lost my dad like, yeah, she was very impacted by it. But like, I think if she was hypersensitive like me or like an empath, like me, like, like, she probably would have gotten into like, some deep depression because she just, she just worked, you know, she, I mean, she was always working and she just kept working. And I think just working and providing was her way of, you know, showing love to my siblings and I and but yeah, you know, just kind of thinking about that and feeling fortunate that my mom never really, like needed that. And even now that we you know, my siblings and I were like all adults, we're all we all you know, we're out of the house like she's like the happiest woman ever. She's going to be retiring soon. She's fine. You know, like, she's doing great. You know, I just I think man if I went through what she went through, like I would have needed therapy for like the rest of I mean, I still needed therapy like as a child who was who was affected by that but like, you know, to like lose the love of your life, essentially, like just sporadically and unexpectedly and you still have to provide but like, like even though my mom turned out, okay. I was convinced at a very young age. that I wasn't supposed to talk about my feelings, I wasn't supposed to share that I was sad. And that's also a cultural thing as well. Like, I mean, my mom, like my mom's my mom, but like culturally, at least in my, with my own family dynamic and my relatives, you know, our philosophy is sweep it under the rug.

Jen Amos: 35:18

It's like, don't talk about it, what's wrong with you, you have a roof over your head, you're fine, you know, over every head, you're fed, you're alive, like, you're fine. And I was just thinking for the longest time, I didn't think I was allowed to have help. And so to kind of go back to what you were saying earlier, like, how do I connect with people who are not connecting? It is a tough question, because I think, Okay, well, how was I able to seek out help eventually? You know, like, how was I able to do that, and I think it kind of goes back to what we were talking about earlier, at least for me, I think that someone has to feel so lonely, or feel so isolated, or you know, or feel hungry, you know, doesn't have to come from like, a sad place could just be like, they're so hungry, that they want to seek that out. But until then, I think, you know, even if you're just out and about in public, although I know we can't do that now with the pandemic. But like, like, let's, let's say, on social media, you know, for the people who maybe don't post as often, and then they post something, maybe that's like passive aggressive or like, kind of hints at something, but they're not necessarily like, like very clear about what they're saying. But you can sort of tell that there's something going on there. I think that's a good way to reach out to people, you know, just say, Hey, I noticed that you posted this, you know, I found it very interesting. I was curious if you don't mind elaborating on it more, because I thought what you said is very fascinating, and I want to understand it more. So I feel like that's a way to that's a good conversation starter to try. Yeah, people who may not be connecting.

: 36:43

Yeah, I really liked that idea. Because not only does it help, like, you know, connect to the people who aren't connecting, but it's also coming back to that initiative of you putting yourself out there to connect. So it's like a win win.

Jen Amos: 36:59

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. I think I think that's what it comes down to at the end of the day is like, if you want it, like you have to take the initiative, like, no one's going to go out of their way to reach out to you. And even if they do, and this is just from personal experience. I feel like most of those people are very narcissistic. Like, I feel like yeah, I feel like you're almost invite I feel like you're asking yourself to be in an unhealthy relationship, if you just wait on someone to save you or connect with you. Like, if you don't control the situation, you know, if you don't choose your friends, this actually goes back to the very beginning of our conversation about social media, it's like if you don't choose to curate your feed, like you're naturally going to attract, like negative content or negative people. And so yeah, I think the lesson of today, Theresa is initiative.

: 37:47

Yeah, it really is. And I'm really happy that, you know, came to this conclusion, because they really helps me figure out, you know, what I need, and I completely agree with you as far as like, Who do you want to surround yourself by? And, you know, just taking that first step? So yeah, like helped me see.

Jen Amos: 38:13

Well, just, this is me being the amateur, hopefully, one day getting into the mental health field and me attempting to, but that's why I love like doing interviews like this kind of on the fly, because like, it's just, it's a public brainstorming session of like, how do we connect with people who are not connecting. And ultimately, it comes down to like taking initiative, and just showing up and serving when you feel called, you know, to serve, essentially. And that's where you feel called to serve as like connecting with people who are not ready to connect with, I even think for myself, this is the last tip that I'll share. It's interesting, because now I'm gonna, like, share my dirty laundry. So like this year, I had told my husband that I want to take the initiative to have more of a social life. And I've been very, like adamant about that. And I really feel like in these recent weeks, especially since this pandemic has, has hit us, I'm beginning to reap the benefits of me like investing in people and taking initiative, because, you know, I like to do things every now and then where if I'm thinking of someone, I literally just message them and I say, hey, just thinking of you today, I hope that you're doing well.

: 39:15

And I don't I do the exact same thing.

Jen Amos: 39:19

Yeah. And like, I don't expect anything of it. It's really more for me than it is for them. It's kind of like, Hey, I just like I want people to know that I'm thinking of them. Because I know, I know what it's like, I know what it's like to like, have a crush on someone for years. And you never tell them, you know? And then and then one day, and then when you finally have that opportunity to like tell them it's like it's just not what you expected. So it's like, you know, I'm just going to tell people how I feel about them. I'm not going to wait, and even if they don't do anything right away, which actually a lot of them do a lot and say hey, thanks for thinking of me. How are you? You know, it usually gets in that kind of conversation. But later on, they end up they end up reaching out and saying, Hey, like I've been thinking about you? Can I share something with you? And it's like, oh, Like, that's really cool. Like, I was not expecting that. And I think like just taking that initiative and letting people know that you're thinking of them, makes them feel valued and, and cared for. And you also kind of plant that seed in their head, that you may be a safe space for them to seek out help from or even just to connect with and talk about anything with. So I'd like to believe that I could be that type of friend for people. And yeah, so yeah, that's my last tip. And obviously, you do that. So obviously, you don't need that tip. I just, I'm just glad we both are thinking on the same wave legs.

: 40:33

Yeah, I think that also, another way to put that is it opens the door. So even if they don't respond right away, or they don't have anything to say, you know, right then in there, it does keep it open. So when they do need you, I mean, they're going to come through. And I think personally, like, if you were to message me that and I didn't respond, but you know, internally, I was like, Oh, that's nice. I would definitely, you know, come to you then reach out to somebody on my own. You know, so opening that door, I think, is a game changer in community building relationships. Because just coming back to connecting with people who don't connect, I would be just as a shy person. I'm like, okay, so Jen reached out to me. I met her once before, and I've totally, you know, open up to you, rather than trying to find somebody that I've never connected with

Jen Amos: 41:39

before. So I like that. Yeah, totally. This is my final thought. But I think as human beings, the reason why it's so hard for people to build community, or at least a new community is because we get comfortable, you know, we get comfortable and we, we don't want to overthink things we don't want to start over. We don't you know, like, we don't want to leap into the unknown, unless we absolutely have to. And so I think that's part of the struggle, but also the resiliency. And the admiration I have toward people in the military community is because we are, you know, thrusted into this life, and we have to tell ourselves, to take the initiative to make those connections, and really just fight into falling into depression, or any other mental health issues that may come of it when we isolate ourselves. Yeah. Yeah. Well,

: 42:30

Tisa, I think we had a wonderful conversation today, just talking about, you know, who you are, and your background and your story and the importance of mental health. And above all else, taking the initiative to build community for yourself. And even though you haven't PCs yet, or your husband hasn't deployed yet, I want to just applaud you, Tessa, for taking the initiative for yourself, you know, making those friends before you need them. So that when the time does come, because we know it'll come. It's the live view, it's the life you signed up for, you know, whether you like it or not, you know, I think I just want to applaud you for taking the initiative now. Because I think some of us tend to just going back to that, you know, talks about how people are just already comfortable, and they don't want to, you know, expand or build, you know, take the initiative to build community. I just want to applaud you for doing that early on. And I believe that you will be in a better position than maybe most people when the time comes for you to PCs or for your husband to get deployed. So kudos to you, Tessa.

: 43:33

Thank you. Thank you so much. And thanks again for having me. Yeah, absolutely.

Jen Amos: 43:37

And let's just recap for anyone that is interested in learning more about you and your blog, or just connecting with you as a friend. How can they do that?

: 43:45

Yeah, so you could find me at Teresa salman.com. That's my blog, and then also on Instagram and Facebook AT T Selman. Beautiful.

Jen Amos: 43:58

Well, with that said, I want to thank our listeners for joining us today. We hope that today's episode give you one more piece of knowledge, resource or relevant stories so you can continue to make confident and informed decisions for you and your family. Thank you so much for listening, and we look forward to speaking with you in the next episode. Tune in next time. Bye